When children are little they step on your toes, when they grow up they step on your heart..

It now seems so strange how fast they grow up. For years you are the center of their world, they come to you for everything. You nurse them thru all the various childhood ills, they cling to you, knowing if any one can fix it Mommy can. The bumps, the bruises, the owies that the magic bandaid cures. You wipe awaythe tears, they smile  , hug your legs and out the door they go.

I was a single Mom with 4 girls and 1 boy, I had no one to give me any help or encouragement and without my kids I would have been so lost. I constantly felt guilty because I had to work to survive. On my days off I would make them special days and we would plan together what we would do.

I worked nites so I could be there in the morning to get them up and ready for thier day, pre-school for 2, 1st

grade for 1 and the other 2 were home with me til I went to work. In the summer we had all day together. 

Sometimes I would be so tired I felt like crying, I`d think to myself "Oh please God, if they could just all dress themselves and tie their shoes I`d be so grateful,then I`d feel guilty !  The warm hugs , the baby smell of thier skin and the " I love you this much " made it all better again, and I knew I was doing the best I could with what I had to work with.

Then you turn around and their grown, school friends now take up our together time, no time to sit and read a story to them, "Mom, can we go to the play ground with our friends"?   O.K  see you in a couple hours.

Then all the sudden ,Mom ,"can I go to the movies with Kevin"?

Now they are gone, my twins, and my oldest daughter, my laughing, loving, girls. They were 20, 40, and 41 when

they died.  I`d give anything to dress them or tie their shoes, I just want to hold them one more time, to feel their 

warm, soft skin against my cheek and smell the shampoo smell of thier hair. Would`nt it be great if we could have do overs?  My heart hurts, there`s a huge empty feeling in there. Please let them see me, loving them.

I hear from my son[my baby, he just turned 40!] He calls every day just to say hi and I love you he fills me in on his day, I ramble on about what ever.  We never say Good-Bye, it makes it sound to final, we say "Later".

My oldest daughter is busy with her life, business and family, and I think she is still angry because I allowed her father to raise her and her two younger sisters,and I accept that,

but what I did was out of love for them and wanted them to have a good, stable life with all the "Bells and Whistles" included, something I knew I would never be able to give them.  Sharon and I have remained very close, and so have Cindy and I.  We keep in touch and visit as often as we can, but the guilt of having to ask thier father to take them will be

with me forever. I know in my heart what I did was best, but that does`nt stop the pain or the memory of being shut out of thier lives for  6 years.

I have`nt seen my youngest daughter since her sisters funeral in 2004. She was drinking, and disrespectful and

got mad because we would`nt let her go pick thru her sisters belongings. I call her, I`ll always love her but she

chose the bottle over all of us, I pray for her, and her darling 16 year old daughter, She knows where I am if

she needs me. I guess you can`t stop loving them, but you sure don`t have to always like them !

Oh well I guess what does`nt kill you makes you stronger !!

Later........Lonnie