Multigenerational Households
Goyer: Grandparents Moving In
By: Amy Goyer | Source: AARP.org | January 2009
Known for her expertise on multigenerational and grandparenting issues, Amy Goyer is the AARP family expert.
Past columns:
Helpful Web sites
Generations United provides a fact sheet on multi- generational households.
Generation-Next Parenting says the multigenerational family is making a comeback.
Grandparents.com presents the pros and cons of living with grandchildren.
PBS's "American Family," the first drama series with a Latino cast ever to air on broadcast TV, has an accompanying Web site with resources on families, the Generation Gap, and on multigenerational families.
Multigenerational households have come into the spotlight since America's "first granny," Marian Robinson, moved into the White House with her daughter, Michelle Obama, her granddaughters, Malia and Sasha, and her son-in-law, President-elect Barack Obama. Millions of American families have three or more generations living under one roof, and America is finally paying attention.
According to a new U.S. Census Bureau report, there are more than 4 million multigenerational families nationwide. In the 2000 census, demographers found almost 5.8 million coresident grandparents; those are "grandparents living in the same household with their grandchildren under the age of 18." Of those grandparents, 2.4 million were grandparents who headed up the household and were responsible for the needs of their grandchildren. But other grandparents share living space with grandchildren for a myriad of reasons.
Millions of older grandparents move in with their adult children and grandchildren because they need assistance and care. In fact, until America became a mobile society, it was quite common for grandparents to live with family members as they got older. My great-grandfather lived with my grandparents when my mom was young, because he was a widower and wasn't interested in living alone. She sort of believes it was because her grandfather liked her mother's cooking, but my mom remembers how patient he was with her and how she would follow him around the yard as he helped with the gardening. Her face still glows when she talks about him.
By contrast, my sister and niece moved in with my parents for a time when she was going through a divorce. I know single parents, and families in which both parents are working, whose parents move in with them to help with child care. In many families, it's just expected that the generations will live together—and it doesn't really matter so much whose house it is, technically. Everyone is welcome. It's just the right thing to do.
Families also tend to combine households to share expenses when financial hardships come into play. I'm hearing from more and more grandparents who move in with their adult children because they have lost jobs or because the stock market's fall has dashed their retirement dreams. And just as many grandparents tell me their adult children and grandchildren are moving in with them because of job changes, home foreclosures, and incomes insufficient to make ends meet. American families tend to come together in tough economic times, and the current recession is no exception.
When it comes to generations living together, the setting fosters a mutually beneficial exchange that extends beyond the financial advantages. Children get some extra-special attention from loving adults. And people who grew up with grandparents living in their homes seem to know them on a more personal level. In multigenerational homes, grandparents tend to be central characters in these grandkids' life stories, as opposed to part of the peripheral supporting cast. A sense of generational responsibility and the importance of transferring knowledge across the generations are well ingrained. Family history and cultural heritage are constant companions to members of multigenerational households.
Older grandparents who joined the household because they needed care or because it wasn't safe for them to live alone can receive loving care from family members or closer supervision by caregivers outside the family. Quality of life is often better for older family members living with the younger generations, because the older ones do not become isolated. The energy of all the life stages is around them, and they are more than observers.
While I believe the benefits of multigenerational households outweigh the risks, there are definitely points of potential conflict. If Marian Robinson moves into the White House, with its 35 bathrooms, she probably won't have to compete with her granddaughters for time in front of the bathroom mirror like some grandparents do. But even with five full-time chefs, she may have to negotiate meal schedules if her preferred mealtimes aren't in sync with the rest of the family's!
Here are a few tips to consider if you are living in a multigenerational household or are planning to combine households:
• Communication is the key to peaceful multigenerational living. Have regular family conferences to discuss issues before they become problems. If you are all just moving in together, ask family members of all ages to talk about how they expect life to change, including what they want, what they are excited about, and what they fear. Be specific: If grandparents are helping with child care, how much time will they spend babysitting? What role will grandchildren play in elder-care tasks? How do family members want to handle cooking and mealtimes? It's a great way to see where friction may occur and to head it off at the pass.
• Decide how the living space in your home will be used. It's important that grandparents and grandchildren have their own places—bedrooms, maybe sitting rooms, or even corners of rooms—for favorite chairs, places to watch television, or study areas for homework. People feel more comfortable when they each have little patches of real estate to call their own.
• Make sure grandparents have the opportunity to live their own lives. This is important, whether they are highly active and independent, or if they are being cared for. Opportunities to see friends, to continue activities they enjoy, and to have downtime, are important at any age.
• Consistency will help minimize the inevitable disruptions. Keep to such routines as mealtimes and bedtime rituals. Parents should also plan one-on-one time with their children and time for themselves—time to exercise and to keep up with their interests.
• Facilitate grandparent–grandchild interactions. Make sure they have fun times together. Many times, especially when living together, grandparents and children develop special, shared interests that create bonds and positive memories.
• Who's in the middle? Often, parents are in no-man's-land trying to please the older and younger generations. If that describes your situation, take care of yourself: Get plenty of rest, make your time a priority, and get support if you need it from a caregiving-support group. You can't be expected to take care of everyone if you are running on empty.
• Be realistic. Only so much furniture can fit in a house; people can only be expected to change so much over a lifetime; teenagers are only going to want to hang out with their grandparents so much; elders will only be able to handle a certain volume level on the stereo; there are only 24 hours in a day; and you can only be in one place at a time, no matter how much everyone needs you.
• Capitalize on the opportunities you have with multiple generations in the household. Share stories, look at photos, research family history, and record these things in audiotape or in a video. Have fun and treasure the time. While multigenerational households may be an increasing trend, they can enjoy opportunities many families will never have.
According to a new U.S. Census Bureau report, there are more than 4 million multigenerational families nationwide. In the 2000 census, demographers found almost 5.8 million coresident grandparents; those are "grandparents living in the same household with their grandchildren under the age of 18." Of those grandparents, 2.4 million were grandparents who headed up the household and were responsible for the needs of their grandchildren. But other grandparents share living space with grandchildren for a myriad of reasons.
Millions of older grandparents move in with their adult children and grandchildren because they need assistance and care. In fact, until America became a mobile society, it was quite common for grandparents to live with family members as they got older. My great-grandfather lived with my grandparents when my mom was young, because he was a widower and wasn't interested in living alone. She sort of believes it was because her grandfather liked her mother's cooking, but my mom remembers how patient he was with her and how she would follow him around the yard as he helped with the gardening. Her face still glows when she talks about him.
By contrast, my sister and niece moved in with my parents for a time when she was going through a divorce. I know single parents, and families in which both parents are working, whose parents move in with them to help with child care. In many families, it's just expected that the generations will live together—and it doesn't really matter so much whose house it is, technically. Everyone is welcome. It's just the right thing to do.
Families also tend to combine households to share expenses when financial hardships come into play. I'm hearing from more and more grandparents who move in with their adult children because they have lost jobs or because the stock market's fall has dashed their retirement dreams. And just as many grandparents tell me their adult children and grandchildren are moving in with them because of job changes, home foreclosures, and incomes insufficient to make ends meet. American families tend to come together in tough economic times, and the current recession is no exception.
When it comes to generations living together, the setting fosters a mutually beneficial exchange that extends beyond the financial advantages. Children get some extra-special attention from loving adults. And people who grew up with grandparents living in their homes seem to know them on a more personal level. In multigenerational homes, grandparents tend to be central characters in these grandkids' life stories, as opposed to part of the peripheral supporting cast. A sense of generational responsibility and the importance of transferring knowledge across the generations are well ingrained. Family history and cultural heritage are constant companions to members of multigenerational households.
Older grandparents who joined the household because they needed care or because it wasn't safe for them to live alone can receive loving care from family members or closer supervision by caregivers outside the family. Quality of life is often better for older family members living with the younger generations, because the older ones do not become isolated. The energy of all the life stages is around them, and they are more than observers.
While I believe the benefits of multigenerational households outweigh the risks, there are definitely points of potential conflict. If Marian Robinson moves into the White House, with its 35 bathrooms, she probably won't have to compete with her granddaughters for time in front of the bathroom mirror like some grandparents do. But even with five full-time chefs, she may have to negotiate meal schedules if her preferred mealtimes aren't in sync with the rest of the family's!
Here are a few tips to consider if you are living in a multigenerational household or are planning to combine households:
• Communication is the key to peaceful multigenerational living. Have regular family conferences to discuss issues before they become problems. If you are all just moving in together, ask family members of all ages to talk about how they expect life to change, including what they want, what they are excited about, and what they fear. Be specific: If grandparents are helping with child care, how much time will they spend babysitting? What role will grandchildren play in elder-care tasks? How do family members want to handle cooking and mealtimes? It's a great way to see where friction may occur and to head it off at the pass.
• Decide how the living space in your home will be used. It's important that grandparents and grandchildren have their own places—bedrooms, maybe sitting rooms, or even corners of rooms—for favorite chairs, places to watch television, or study areas for homework. People feel more comfortable when they each have little patches of real estate to call their own.
• Make sure grandparents have the opportunity to live their own lives. This is important, whether they are highly active and independent, or if they are being cared for. Opportunities to see friends, to continue activities they enjoy, and to have downtime, are important at any age.
• Consistency will help minimize the inevitable disruptions. Keep to such routines as mealtimes and bedtime rituals. Parents should also plan one-on-one time with their children and time for themselves—time to exercise and to keep up with their interests.
• Facilitate grandparent–grandchild interactions. Make sure they have fun times together. Many times, especially when living together, grandparents and children develop special, shared interests that create bonds and positive memories.
• Who's in the middle? Often, parents are in no-man's-land trying to please the older and younger generations. If that describes your situation, take care of yourself: Get plenty of rest, make your time a priority, and get support if you need it from a caregiving-support group. You can't be expected to take care of everyone if you are running on empty.
• Be realistic. Only so much furniture can fit in a house; people can only be expected to change so much over a lifetime; teenagers are only going to want to hang out with their grandparents so much; elders will only be able to handle a certain volume level on the stereo; there are only 24 hours in a day; and you can only be in one place at a time, no matter how much everyone needs you.
• Capitalize on the opportunities you have with multiple generations in the household. Share stories, look at photos, research family history, and record these things in audiotape or in a video. Have fun and treasure the time. While multigenerational households may be an increasing trend, they can enjoy opportunities many families will never have.
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