Be Daring and Bold
Dating for the Older Woman
By: Sallie Foley
Life@50+ 2008 Session
Don't miss AARP's exclusive panel discussion on online dating at this year's AARP Life@50+ member event in Washington, D.C., Sept. 4–6.
AARP Books
Sex &
Love for Grownups
Sallie Foley gives the ins and outs to marriage, dating, and relationships, in her book "Sex & Love for Grownups: A No-Nonsense Guide to a Life of Passion."
Q: I’m an attractive single older woman. I’ve noticed that men my age seem to be attracted to women 20 years younger. How can I overcome this?
A: You can have two viewpoints about this. The first involves a little understanding: Naturally, men are attracted to younger women. After all, 25 years ago you were a big problem for women in their 50s. The second is an indictment: Midlife men are insecure about their virility, so they need the ego boost of snagging a younger woman; that is, men are superficial pigs. The second attitude is quite common and counterproductive. If you’re angry at men for being attracted to Jennifer Lopez—for being, well… men, others will detect your edginess and interpret it as defensiveness about your age.
“If you assume, even subconsciously, that a man won’t be interested in you, that may take you out of the flirtation game,” explains Los Angeles sexologist Patti Britton, Ph.D., an expert for iVillage.com. “You’ve got to feel playful, and carrying resentment makes that difficult.”
That said, there are ways to hook up with men your own age. First, consider trying online dating services, such as Match.com, Matchmaker.com, and Great-Expectations.net. They’ve evolved into great resources for mature people who are seeking romantic partners with particular characteristics, be it a taste for fine wine or an interest in women who know far more about romance than counterparts half their age.
Second, make an effort to stay as fit as you can. It will make you vital, optimistic. “Keeping yourself healthy, your attitude vivacious, and your heart open is a great blessing,” says Barnaby Barratt, president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. “Beauty and sexiness come from energy.”
Third, keep playing the gender card. If you ask me, too many attractive women our age settle for a gender-lite look by dressing more unisex than they once did. (Sure, you can argue that a lot of middle-aged guys aren’t exactly slaving over their appearance, either, but we’re talking about you here.) So don’t be afraid to mix comfort with a dash of come-on.
Finally, the most attractive quality a person can have, at any age, is confidence—that aura of joyfulness and self-possession that tells the world you’re enjoying a rich life. It’s tough to project if you don’t feel it, but give it a try. You may start to feel the sentiment you’re feigning. “Attitude is everything,” says Barratt. “Focus on loving and valuing yourself—this will make you immensely alluring to those around you.”
From Sex & Love for Grownups, by Sallie Foley, pp. 19-21.
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