How to Stop Footing the Bill for Your Adult Children

It’s important to make sure your giving is coming from a healthy place, says Denise Kautzer, a financial therapist in St. Paul, Minnesota. A clear sign it’s not: You’re using cash you need to reach your own important financial goals. For example, if you’re giving money you had planned to use to pay off credit card debt, you probably don’t have the money to spare.

It’s always a good idea to “take a step back and make sure that you feel like it’s constructive and mutually beneficial,” Stoddard says. Some giving can be OK if your finances are in order and you feel like you have a healthy dynamic with your children, she says. “The problem comes into play when you start to get those gut feelings like, ‘Argh, I didn’t really want to do this,’ or, ‘Ugh, I really don’t have a lot of savings, but I guess I can find a way to make it work.’”

Try not to judge your motivations as good or bad, suggests Ed Coambs, a financial therapist in Charlotte, North Carolina. Instead, try to understand where the behavior is coming from. If you feel in your heart you can’t afford to give, you probably can’t.

You also may be stunting the financial growth of your adult children or grandchildren when you constantly help them get out of money trouble. There can a be a thin line between supporting and enabling, Burnette says, and if your kids keep digging the same financial holes — constantly falling into debt, for example — you could be enabling them if you keep bailing them out.

Approach the conversation carefully

Readying yourself for a talk with your children about providing, or continuing, financial support can be challenging. A part of you may know it's time for them to stand on their own financially; another part might feel guilty about cutting off support. One way to prepare emotionally is to identify your reasons for making the change and satisfy yourself that they are valid, Kautzer says.

Both parents should be part of the conversation. Some couples may disagree about how much financial support for adult children is enough. These disputes may spring from different values and beliefs about money, familial responsibilities or both, Kautzer says, and couples that can’t work through them may want to seek help from a counselor or financial planner.

Here are some additional steps to prepare.

Expect the conversation to be difficult. “If this has been going on for a long time and this was a well-established pattern, when you go to change that, it can be a very stressful conversation,” Kautzer says.

Have clear limits. Transparency is key, Lester says. If you do intend to provide support, give a dollar amount and be prepared to hold the line. In her own household, Lester and her husband let their two sons know they can count on help if they need it, but “we've also put some boundaries around that and said, ‘This is how much we can help.’ ”

Explain your own needs. If you are less prepared for retirement because of the help you've given your children, they may end up needing to take care of you years from now. Point that out to them so they can see that your “no” could be in their best interest later, Lester says.

Give the kids time. It's a little unfair to blindside your children and tell them the financial help they've been depending on will end tomorrow, Kautzer says. Let them know things are going to change but set a time frame for when the monetary help will stop so they can take steps (like incrementally cutting back on spending) to absorb the hit.

Don't blame them. Even if the child is the one who has been asking for, or demanding, financial support, the situation has developed over time and it's a reciprocal process. Focus instead on your feelings, Coambs advises: “You can go to the adult family member and say, ‘I have some discomfort about the way this is working for us now financially. I'd like to be able to talk with you about it.’ ”

Make it an ongoing conversation. Everything doesn’t have to be decided at once, Stoddard notes. Perhaps you talk about it and let everyone take some time to think it over before reconvening to determine a resolution.

Be willing to let go

Just because you stop giving money to an adult child doesn’t mean you can’t assist in some other way. For example, you could help them find ways to budget better or assist in a search for a better-paying job. Draw on your own experiences to help them build financial resilience.

“You want to be teaching them some ability to say no and live with the discomfort of not having what [they] want,” Lester says.

Remember, too, that you can always reverse course if your child encounters a true emergency, such as losing a job or falling ill. “You can say, ‘For this period of time or for the next three months, we’ll help you,’ ” Kautzer says.

Most important is understanding that at some point, you have to pull back. Let the kids learn their own lessons and recover from their own financial mistakes.

“Trust in your children that they are going to be OK,” says Stoddard, “and that they can stand on their own two feet.”