Staying Fit
Q: I'm in my early 60s, and though everything else about our relationship is great, my wife is not interested in sex anymore.
Over the last year, I became curious about being with a man — specifically, a man I've known for more than 20 years. Some years back he confessed he was very attracted to me, and that he would very much like to have sex with me if I was ever interested.
While visiting him about eight months ago, one thing led to another and we had sex, with him taking things slow and allowing me to explore at my own pace how far I might go.
AARP Membership— $12 for your first year when you sign up for Automatic Renewal
Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine.
The thing is, I'm still very attracted to my wife — am I discovering I'm bisexual? And how do I integrate that, or not, with my wife? I feel like I want both.
A: At the risk of stating the obvious, it strikes me you are bisexual — at least according to my definition, which is "a person who has a strong sexual and emotional attraction to people of both the opposite and same sex." People quibble about whether or not bisexuality exists — I think it does — but that won't help you figure out what to do now.
For starters, you are having an affair. Yes, it's with another man rather than a woman, but don't think for a moment that means it "doesn't count." I can assure you that your wife will think it does!
Even in a sexually quiescent marriage, few wives want to share their husband. That means you must prepare yourself for the possibility that she will want to end the marriage if you tell her. However, she may find out anyhow, in which case she'll feel doubly betrayed. And speaking of which, do you really want to lead a double life? That presents not just ethical but all kinds of practical problems.
So it's time for some honest self-inquiry: What's really going on in your marriage? Are you both still in love with each other?
Your wife deserves to know about your new sexual identity — and therefore, regrettably, your affair — so please see a therapist together. The outcome, as I said, may well be divorce, but it's equally possible that she will understand who you are and want to stay married. You can see the peril in this course of action, but I think it's the only way to be fair to your wife — and maintain more than a sham marriage.
Q: My 91-year-old father told me he is watching "naked women videos." He also told me he is having problems masturbating and wants a vibrator.
More on Home and Family
Retire to Margaritaville
Coming soon: Jimmy Buffett-inspired adult ’hoods
10 Great Places to Live on Under $40K per year
We found great spots where you can live the good life for less18 May-December Celebrity Marriages
These couples are making it work (so far) with an age gap of more than 20 years