Seven Things You Should Never Say

Comedian George Carlin made famous seven “dirty” words you should never say on television. Likewise, I have a list of seven things you should never say to a customer service representative. Mention any of these and your conversation will come to an abrupt end—along with any hope for a quick resolution to your dispute.

 

1. “Lawyer.” As in, “I’m going to call my attorney.” This will end the conversation instantly and eliminate any future communications, except between guys in expensive suits with bar cards. Corporate legal departments train customer service agents to terminate the dialogue any time a caller mentions going to court or getting a lawyer involved. For the same reason, avoid using legal terms, such as “lawsuit,” “district attorney,” or “mandatory sentencing.”

 

I’m not saying that there are never situations that call for you to bring in a lawyer; it’s just that there’s no upside in advertising your next move ahead of time. Going to court is rarely a profitable course of action for small consumer matters. It’s best to try all other alternatives first. However, if you’re actually going to take the business to court, the first hint to the opponent should be the glint in the eye of the guy serving the subpoena.

 

2.  “Job.” You never want to say something along the lines of, “I’m going to make sure you lose your job.” First of all, it’s highly unlikely that you will be able to get someone fired. Second, you’re much better off with the agent as your ally, rather than your enemy. Threatening someone’s employment rarely engenders close cooperation or special favors. It may seem counterintuitive, but you’re going to get much better results if you acknowledge the difficult position the agent is in and compliment her on how she’s handling the situation—even if you think she’s been stonewalling and insensitive. Companies that take advantage of their customers usually don’t treat their employees any better. You might be the only person in recent history to have told the agent, “Good job.” This approach is much more likely to garner positive results than a frontal attack on the person’s livelihood.

 

3. “Bankrupt.” As in, “I’m going to bankrupt your company.” Just as with threatening someone’s job, it’s unlikely you’re going to bring down the house—and the approach is overly antagonistic. There’s no way that your one case will destroy their business. You have to think about your real goal: Is it getting a refund or value for money paid? And even if you were actually able to derail the corporate train, you still wouldn’t be better off financially.

 

4. Any form of “&$#%!” This covers foul language, sexual innuendo, or comments about someone’s ancestry. This behavior is guaranteed to immediately get you classified as a “crazy” customer. The customer service representative will rightfully hang up on you and then scribble a note in your file to make sure that every future agent will be aware of your challenged mental state. While unleashing a string of tawdry epithets might make you feel better, your wallet won’t get any fatter.

 

5.  “Never,” as in, “I’m never going to use your products again.” In large part, the reason companies offer customer service in the first place is to retain loyal customers. They calculate that anything they give back will be offset by your future purchases. Therefore, if you tell them that you’re no longer going to use their product or service, you’ve taken away the number-one reason for them to be nice to you.

 

6. “Media.” You’ve got to be pretty high up the chain of command before warnings of going to the press will have any impact. You will also need to do some research first, including demographics, audience numbers, and reaching the right reporters, in order to use press exposure in your favor. In my book, “Unscrewed: The Consumers’ Guide to Getting What You Paid For,” I discuss in-depth how to use the promise of going to the media to your maximum benefit.

 

7. “Kill.” This also goes for “bomb,” “shoot,” “beat up,” and other physical bullying. Never, ever, make personal threats against an employee of the company or its executives. Verbal threats of bodily harm are crimes. Customer service calls are recorded, and you will likely find yourself at the wrong end of a restraining order, or worse, behind bars.  Promising to make a scene at corporate headquarters is equally unproductive. If you’re so angry that only a personal confrontation will satisfy you, then you’re taking the whole thing much too seriously. You either need a therapist or a lawyer—maybe both.

 

The primary consideration—do not put yourself in a position where you can be marginalized as an unreasonable complainer, a crazy person, or a danger. No matter how frustrating or absurd the situation, you need to maintain a businesslike approach at all times.

 

So if you can’t scream and yell, what can you do when you have not received the product or service you paid for? In an upcoming column, I’ll share with you seven things you should say that may greatly enhance your chances of winning a satisfactory conclusion in a customer-service conflict.