Dealing With Grief During the Holiday Season

You can also look into virtual support groups or other services available through your workplace or house of worship, or connect with friends or others who are grieving via online communities such as AARP’s Grief & Loss community and Family Caregivers Discussion Group on Facebook, where we have an ongoing community “grief chat.”

4. Focus on the kids

Many holiday activities place special attention on children, and it may be helpful to focus on them at this time. Realize that your choices around getting through the holidays may affect the children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews in your family. If you withdraw, they may not understand why you don’t want to join family festivities. Perhaps you can allow yourself to feel their joy by participating in activities that are important to them and excuse yourself when you reach your limit.

5. Plan activities

Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the actual holiday. Plan comforting activities ahead of time so you have something to look forward to, rather than building up dread of the pain that the holiday could bring.

At times, new activities — without specific memories tied to lost loved ones — might be easier. At other times, familiar traditions might be comforting as well.

6. Give

In times of grief and loss, when we may feel paralyzed by intense emotions like sadness, anger or resentment, sometimes relief can be found by giving to others. Focusing outside ourselves and taking action that makes a difference for a person or community may help widen our perspectives.

You can honor a loved one you've lost by making a donation in her name to a charity or a cause she cherished. Or you can buy something that symbolizes the person, or what you shared together, to donate to a needy family. For example, my mom always donated toys for the holiday Toys for Tots drives, so I do that in her memory now. I started a scholarship fund for a children’s theater where my parents were founders, and on holidays I make a donation in their name.  

Also, try channeling negative energies in positive ways that create good in the world. Give of your time and talents. Volunteer to help people in a way that relates to what caused your anguish. Some examples:

• If you've lost someone to suicide, volunteer for a depression or suicide hotline.
• If a loved one succumbed to COVID-19 or another disease, give money to a hospital or participate in a clinical trial.
• If a hospital or nursing home took good care of your loved one, bring holiday goodies and cards for the staff.
• If you were a caregiver for your loved one who died, you know how hard it is to be caregiving during the holidays. Consider supporting a caregiver you know with a gift or some help.

7. Acknowledge and honor those who have died

It can be helpful to participate in holiday rituals in memory of someone you’ve lost, especially if it relates directly to his or her interests. Here are some ideas.

• Light candles.
• Talk, write about, or post on social media about the person.
• Donate children’s toys or books.
• Dedicate a prayer or religious service to the loved one’s memory, such as a Catholic Mass or Jewish kaddish.
• Plant a tree in memory of the deceased, in your own yard or in a forest (through a group like the Arbor Day Foundation).
• Make a card or write a holiday letter with the person’s picture.
• Place the deceased’s photo or a significant item of his on your Christmas tree or among holiday decorations. (I place my sister’s reindeer antlers, ornaments with my parents’ names and an angel ornament for my niece on our Christmas tree every year since they died.)

8. Do something different

Losing loved ones with whom you’ve long celebrated can make it feel as if these annual celebrations will never be the same again. In a way, they won’t, and accepting this will help you manage expectations. But remember that different doesn’t have to mean bad.

If you can, embrace the difference. Plan novel activities (especially helpful the first holiday season after a loss) that create new memories. Hold a virtual family gathering, change the holiday menu, or have a meal delivered from a grocery store or restaurant.

Many families return to their usual rituals in subsequent years, but some enjoy incorporating these fresh experiences into holiday routines permanently.

9. Skip it

If you feel that it will be too much for you and you’d like to simply opt out of participation in a holiday, let family and friends know. But plan comforting alternative activities for yourself and let someone know what you will be doing. It’s a good idea to make sure someone checks in with you regularly, especially on the actual holiday.

The bottom line: Grieving is a very individual and personal journey. No one can tell you how to grieve or how long it will take. I’ve lived through the loss of Mom and Dad, my niece Shaelee and my sister Karen, all around the holidays. I’ve survived by taking my time, doing what feels right to me, seeking support, living in the moment, and honoring my loved ones.

Life may never be the same, but you will get through this, and joy will surprise you when it bubbles up again — I promise. Someday, you’ll think of holiday memories with your loved ones, and your first instinct will be to smile..

Editor’s note: This article, originally published in 2020, has been updated with more recent information.