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In TV’s Frasier, Great-Aunt Louise, a nasty person, has died. Frasier Crane is stuck with giving her eulogy. His brother, Niles, is supposed to dispose of her ashes. Frasier can’t think of a nice thing to say about her. Niles accidentally dumps the ashes and sheepishly hides his ineptness.
It’s dark comedy. But it raises some questions. You’re nice and your relatives like you. But once you’re gone, will they know how to eulogize you? Have you told them what kind of funeral or ceremony you want? Or, what to do with your ashes? No? You’d be wise do so some planning now.
It’s the kindest thing to do
Morbid as it may sound, planning your funeral in advance may be the best thing you can do for your loved ones. If you make your own arrangements and leave clear instructions that can be found easily, you’ll reduce some of the burden your grieving family feels. Planning can also help to manage the costs, and reduce the chance that you’ll saddle them with unnecessary debt.
“There’s great comfort in knowing that those decisions have been made when your loved one is gone,” says Kurt Soffe, a funeral director, owner of Jenkins-Soffe Mortuary near Salt Lake City and a spokesperson for National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA). “It alleviates so much stress and confusion, especially when spouses and children are involved.”
I can attest to that. My sister, who passed away in February, left very clear instructions. It made things so much easier for my family, prompting me to write this story.
Patti Black, a certified financial planner (CFP) at Bridgeworth Wealth Management LLC, in Birmingham, Alabama, learned how important funeral planning is when her mother passed away in 2018, and her father in 2021.
“I still remember the shock of all the decisions that had to be made when my Mom died,” she says. “What kind of casket should we choose? What kind of flowers? Who should do the service? Where should it be? What songs should be sung? What Bible readings should we select? It was like planning a party that cost thousands of dollars that no one really wanted to attend.”
You can take charge of your own legacy. You can, for example, write your obituary, and let your loved ones know if you want a service, either religious or secular, traditional or unconventional. You can choose many of the details for it that reflect the life you lived, the things you enjoyed most, and the people you loved.
It can also help keep the costs in line. Perhaps you don’t want much. If your relatives don’t know that, they may spend much more than necessary, as they imagine what you would’ve wanted. And they’ll never know if they did the right thing.
Whenever her clients express concern about being a burden to their relatives, Black brings up funeral planning. While no one wants to think about the end of their lives, she encourages them to take this important step.
Current trends and costs
What are people choosing? In the U.S., cremation is the most popular option right now, says Soffe. “NFDA’s 2023 Cremation and Burial Report found that the U.S. cremation rate is expected to increase in the U.S. from 60.5% in 2023 to 81.4% by 2045,” he says.
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