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How to Plan a Meaningful Memorial Service

A celebration of life honors a loved one in a personalized way


spinner image friends smile as they launch paper lanterns into the sky at dusk
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When Andrea Traubner lost her husband, Richard, to ALS after 42 years of marriage, he was buried per Jewish tradition within 24 hours. Nine months later as she was emerging from her grief, Andrea welcomed more than 100 guests to a celebration of Richard’s life.

Richard was a prominent music scholar, and the service reflected that — complete with a pianist and professional singers performing songs from his favorite operettas.

A filmmaker friend and her son created a video tribute they played before the service. Programs with photos and memories of Richard were on each seat for guests to take home. 

“Producing the concert … focused my mind and helped me set aside the grief, day after day,” Andrea says. “When I heard the singers first rehearse with their accompanist, Richard’s memory shone.”

What is the difference between a memorial and a funeral?

Funerals are held soon after a death, often within a week. “A memorial service can be held at any time, any place for whatever the particular reason,” says William Mariani, a funeral director with Rossi Funeral Home in Scotch Plains, New Jersey.

Another major difference is that there is no body at a memorial service, he says.

Memorial services have become more prevalent as cremation has outpaced traditional burials in the U.S., in part due to cost. In 2023, the cremation rate stood at 60.5 percent of deaths, according to the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA). By 2045, that’s projected to exceed 81 percent.

The financial and legal paperwork that comes with losing a loved one can be overwhelming, but planning a celebration of their life doesn’t have to be. Here are steps to take.

Pick a date, and let people know early on

“Preplanning can happen when the family feels they have gotten through the first wave of grief,” says Melinda Bracha Bernstein, a freelance rabbi in Tamarac, Florida, who leads life-cycle ceremonies for all faiths. “Sooner is better,” she says. “If people don’t have that sense of completion, they are walking around with this heaviness.”

Don’t go it alone

Pick a close friend or family member as the point person for the event and allow them to delegate tasks such as selecting and renting a venue, planning the program, sending out invitations and arranging for food and drink, if desired.

If you don’t have someone in your circle who is good at taking charge, consider engaging a funeral celebrant, a professional who helps design a customized service that reflects the deceased’s personality, values, culture and wishes.

Decide who should lead the service

You can pick a family member or close friend to introduce speakers, or if the deceased was religious, a priest, minister, rabbi or imam can weave in elements of faith.

“The person in charge of the service can either lean on a funeral director for guidance or just call the local church, synagogue or house of worship the individual belonged to, and the leader of that community is usually willing to help,” Mariani says.

Select the right location

The venue can be anywhere — your VFW post, a favorite restaurant, community center or out in nature, such as a park. Some people prefer the intimacy of a service at home, while others opt for services at a church or synagogue.

Share an item of remembrance

Some services provide attendees with a takeaway, such as a photograph or card with the deceased’s favorite poem. Bernstein always brings stones. “I have people hold them and connect to the individual through them, and then put it in their pocket and take it home or put it in their garden.”

Personalize the service

“My only rule is to make it a reflection of the person you are honoring,” says Anne Murphy, a life-cycle celebrant in St. Paul, Minnesota. “You should have a really good idea of how they lived and how they impacted our lives by the end of the service. If you don’t, it can feel really empty.”

Gather memories, stories and mementos such as photos and letters from family members and friends. To coordinate planning, Murphy suggests using a shared online document that all involved in the service can see and comment on so everyone is comfortable about what is to be shared.

Jeff Baron, a playwright and children’s book author, has led numerous services for friends and family in the past 20 years. “I think about it the way I think of putting on any show. I make it meaningful and engaging for the intended audience and for the deceased,” he says.

His tips include having a rehearsal for speakers, as well as offering to read remembrances for those who are uncomfortable speaking in public or out-of-town.

Offer livestreaming

Randy Anderson, a funeral director in Alexander City, Alabama, and past president of the NFDA, has arranged more than 100 services with a livestreaming option in the past few years for older family members who can’t travel and for those in the military unable to come home.

One of the reasons Anderson began offering an online option was his own experience as a remote attendee at a friend’s funeral. “You couldn’t see the congregation of people there, but you really felt like you were a part of that group. It made me feel better because I was able to support my friend … and his family.”

As part of planning, let all those who will read or perform know in advance that the program will be streamed, he says. If a person who can’t attend wants to say something, someone else can read tributes — or even better, Anderson says, a video recording can be played.

“While I could read a letter from someone who’s deployed,” he says, “I don’t have the same body language that they have when they’re reading it.”

“It’s been a blessing to be able to widen the circle of comfort and care for bereaved families,” says Bernstein, who has presided over several hybrid gatherings. 

Resources

The NFDA has a page with information on planning a service as well as tips on writing a eulogy.

This article was originally published May 11, 2020. It has been updated with more recent data on cremation as well as information on livestreaming services.

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