What New Family Caregivers Really Need to Know

Caregiving is hard but not impossible

It is normal to feel stressed by caregiving. Seeing a loved one declining and suffering is emotionally wrenching. The time committed to doing caregiving chores can upend other cherished activities and be physically taxing. Family caregivers have a higher rate of depression and anxiety than non-caregivers, but most caregivers don’t get depressed or anxious. They muddle through, doing what has to be done, even if they always don’t relish doing it. Some find ways to thrive in the role, gaining an enhanced sense of purpose and mastery over time.

Not everyone runs the same risk of becoming depressed

According to caregiving research, spousal caregivers struggle more than adult children who are caregivers, especially if they live with the care recipient. Those caring for someone with dementia struggle the most. But the biggest factor that comes into play is the sheer number of hours. If, during the course of my neighbor’s caregiving, she provides care for her mother for more than 25 hours a week, then she will be at high risk for wearing down and burning out.

What hurts caregivers

Missing barbecues. Not breaking bread with friends. In other words, research tells us that caregivers who become socially isolated from others — perhaps because they believe they must always stay home to attend to a care recipient’s needs — become cut off from a crucial source of nurturance. That makes them worse, not more devoted, caregivers. Unfortunately, sometimes isolation is imposed on caregivers because most friends and family withdraw and disappear. Under those circumstances, caregivers need to make all the more effort to stay connected to those who are there for them, including, possibly, fellow members of a community organization, religious congregation or caregiver support group.

What helps caregivers

If isolation hurts, then connection helps — a lot. There are few more robust findings in social science research than about the importance of social support for coping. My neighbor could also benefit from helping her mother voluntarily, rather than feeling she is trapped and has no choice, and from believing she is making a positive difference in her mother’s life. (An occasional thank-you from her mother would help.) Other important factors include learning a bit about the care recipient’s disease, becoming a good problem-solver for the many challenges that inevitably arise, and recruiting or hiring help when the burden becomes onerously heavy. Engaging in physical exercise or a mindfulness practice, such as yoga or meditation, also tends to reduce the likelihood that caregivers will become anxious or depressed.

I can imagine my neighbor at the next barbecue saying these findings seem like basic common sense. True, I would tell her. But I’d also point out that many caregivers don’t heed their common sense and instead try to hunker down and power through. Caregiving research helps us see the pitfalls and the paths forward more clearly so that we can do our best for our loved ones and ourselves.