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When my husband came home from the hospital after the head injury he received in Iraq when a roadside bomb exploded, I worked to find the balance between creating “bubble wrap fences” and giving him a sense of independence.
He’d felt “trapped” for so long, tired of being mothered and hating all the focus on his health. But as he recovered, there was a kind of recklessness to his self-care, a rejection of my mothering when I’d suggest he drink more water or ask if he’d taken his medication.
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Resentment gathered like storm clouds. From my perspective, I was only trying to help, to improve his health so that he could live a full life. He simply wanted me to back off, and sometimes his definition of independence meant not putting his health first.
Scenarios like mine are common in caregiving, and in any relationship where the balance shifts after an illness or injury. But when a loved one openly chooses to be noncompliant on an ongoing basis, that can lead to frustration and resentment. Picture the loved one with lung disease who won’t quit smoking, or the person with diabetes eating a high-sugar diet. How does one continue to care for a loved one in these situations?
Picking your battles
Becky, 70, from Millville, New Jersey, met her boyfriend Mitch, 74, after her husband passed away. (We are withholding last names here and throughout this article for privacy purposes.)
When they met, Mitch had an existing disability from a back injury, but then a motorcycle accident left him with multiple injuries and chronic pain. A lingering infection sent him to the hospital, and when he returned home, life was very different. Now, due to injury and compounding illness, he sleeps in a hospital bed at home and Becky is his primary caregiver.
“It’s frustrating,” she says. “As soon as the PT leaves, he refuses to do any of the exercises with me. You don’t want to get angry or be the nag, because that doesn’t go anywhere.” Mitch relies on Becky to help him to the toilet, even though he can get up himself or use the commode.
“You pick your battles,” she says, “and when you add in a stubborn personality, it gets harder. He has to be the one who does the exercises. I can’t do that for him, but it’s the only way he will get some mobility back.”
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