Finding Pleasure on Your Own Can Be Oh So Very Satisfying

There are lots of ways to be sexual. And masturbation — judging from readers’ emails — is a go-to for many of you, as it is for me.

This week, our sexuality specialists tackle a question from a man who doesn’t want to date but is looking for a way to satisfy his sexual desires. 

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Could self-pleasure be his new happy place? Prepare to smile.

I’m 83 and lost my wife of 50 years two and a half years ago. I have not been interested in sex since she died, but lately it’s been on my mind. I’m not interested in dating or a relationship. What is my best option? 

Yoga, meditation — great self-care practices, right? Now you can add masturbation to the list. As certified sex therapist Nan Wise frames it: “It’s just so good for us.”

In the Mood

For AARP’s In the Mood column, writer Ellen Uzelac will ask experts your most pressing 50+ sex and relationship questions. Uzelac is the former West Coast bureau chief for The Baltimore Sun. She writes frequently on sex, relationships, travel and lifestyle issues.

Do you have a question? Email us at sexafter50@aarp.org

Wise, author of Why Good Sex Matters, suggests that you approach masturbation not only as an option but as a wellness practice. Among the many health benefits that Wise says are associated with sexual activity, including solo sex, are improvements in heart, brain, prostate and mental health. Evelin Dacker, a family physician in Salem, Oregon, who specializes in sexual health, talks about the benefits of masturbation in our July 25 column. “Think of this as an opportunity to connect with your body as a place of pleasure,” Wise adds. “Beyond anything else, give yourself permission to find a new relationship with your sexual self.”

You do you. Masturbation is a personal choice — and it’s a perfectly normal behavior to engage in for gratification and self-pleasure, says sexuality educator Tameca N. Harris-Jackson. But, she adds, if you’re unsure about it or if you’re feeling guilty about it, as some people do, she suggests holding off until you talk it through with a sex therapist. It may also be helpful to read articles on the topic so that you fully understand that masturbation is a “normative” experience, she says.

Getting off. If you need help getting jump-started, certified sex therapist Sari Cooper suggests experimenting with a masturbation sleeve. Here’s how it works: You put your penis inside the sleeve, which mimics penetrative sex. Sleeves are cylindrical and have smooth, bumpy or rigid textures to provide increased arousal. Some can be warmed up to provide a more fleshlike experience. Another option Cooper likes: male masturbators, called strokers, that vibrate at different intensities while the penis is inside.

For our female readers, Wise recommends using (no surprise here) a vibrator. But there are many options, of varying size, vibration level and cost. Our specialists help both male and female consumers get the best bang for their buck in our past column “Where to Find the Best Sex Toys.”