My Husband Wants Oral Sex. I Don't Know How!

Experts explain oral sex, if circumcision makes a difference and what to watch out for

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published December 12, 2024

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Kiersten Essenpreis

One of the top queries In The Mood gets from readers is about oral sex: how to do it, is it safe and does circumcision make a difference. Our experts lay it all out for you — starting with a beginner's how-to guide.

My husband wants me to give him oral sex – unheard of in my day! Any pointers on how to do it? Also, he is not circumcised. Is there anything I need to be concerned about, like bacteria?

What are the basics of oral sex? First, you can describe it all you want, but if you’ve never given oral sex, you won't know what it feels like for you until you try, ob-gyn Maureen Slattery says.

Here's her advice: Use your hands, your mouth and your tongue to stroke and stimulate the penis — in some ways mimicking what penetration is like. Avoid using your teeth.

"Your partner can help guide you — letting you know what feels good and doesn’t feel good," says Slattery.

How far you take oral is up to you, but there's no harm in the exchange of bodily fluids (as long as sexually transmitted infections -STIs - aren't a factor), says Slattery. Often, she adds, your partner won't ejaculate — with oral serving as foreplay before moving on to other types of sex play.

Sexuality educator Gretchen Frey says giving oral is "a personal aesthetic, a personal choice." If you just don’t want to do it, she says it’s OK to say no. If you want to learn more, she suggests reading The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio by Violet Blue and The Guide To Getting It On by Paul Joannides.

What if you're nervous? Oral sex can be a new and exciting experience at any age, says urologist Dock G. Winston — adding that it's common for people to feel curious or a bit uncertain.

If you and your husband are exploring oral for the first time, Winston suggests taking it slow and keeping communication open. "Try to focus on what actions make both of you feel safe, cared for and at ease," he says. "Expanding your intimacy can be exciting…and a little openness and creativity can go a long way."

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What do I need to know about circumcised vs. uncircumcised? First off, a definition: Circumcision is a surgical procedure that removes the foreskin of the penis. It's often done for cultural or religious reasons, according to Slattery, and some families opt to do it right after birth for hygiene concerns or appearance. Globally, Winston says, most males are not circumcised.

Is bacteria an issue during oral? One thing to know: An uncircumcised penis can collect bacteria under the foreskin. Yet all of our skin — everywhere on our body — has bacteria, Slattery says. "We're covered with it, colonized with it," she adds. "As long as your partner practices good hygiene, he shouldn’t have anything other than the normal bacteria that all skin has." In that case, Slattery, a certified sexuality counselor, says there's no reason not to perform oral sex if you want to.

Is there a sexy way to confirm good hygiene? If you're concerned about hygiene, Winston suggests that you and your husband shower together and bathe one another before having sex. "This makes cleanliness part of the intimacy, rather than a clinical routine, and can create a relaxing, sensual moment between you both," he says.

To get under the foreskin of an uncircumcised penis, Frey, a retired ob-gyn, offers this guidance: Pull back the foreskin and gently wash the head of your husband's penis with warm water and a touch of very mild soap. Some secretions — not ejaculate but shed skin cells — can build up over time and become a little waxy, she says. Remove any of that. "This could become part of your foreplay," Frey adds. "It's something to work out between you."

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What should I be concerned about? If you do notice an abundance of dead skin on the head of the penis, Slattery says it could signal balanitis, which is inflammation in that area. In that event, she says he would have other symptoms like redness, itching, irritation — and generally not feeling well.

While one hopes not to have to worry about an unknown STI in a committed relationship, says Slattery, if you are concerned about the possibility, check for the following: sores on the genitals, discharge from the penis and swelling or redness of the glans (the head of the penis). Other symptoms include pain with sex and significant itching of the penis.

Bottom line: Oral sex can be a way to deepen your connection. By giving oral to the person you love and care about, Slattery says you may well expand the richness of your sexual relationship.

"There's so much more to sex than penetration and oral sex is one of those many things that's fun and brings pleasure to the giver and receiver," she adds. "You have the ability to give lots of pleasure to your partner and to share that experience with him."

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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