Stories from Caregivers: Alice from ARKANSAS
AR
Alice
FROM ARKANSAS
I am 76. I cared for my first husband who had ankylosing spondylitis of the spine; the complications eventually killed him. I contributed money to the care of one grandmother. I helped care for my mother-in-law and for my own mother. I am now caring for my second spouse who is 10 years older than I am. There is nothing harder on earth than watching the slow decline and death of a close family member. There is never enough money. The resources available frequently do not match the nature of what is needed. One becomes completely marginalized and socially isolated. Acquaintances, friends, and family members withdraw to a distance and stay there. When my mother told me X dollars a month were needed to help care for my paternal grandmother I contributed without a second thought (one of the few times I didn't argue with my mother!) but my grown children help very, very little and usually simply refuse pointblank. My husband's only son does not call, does not visit, goes on a cruise rather than help us. My grown daughter, who has a kind heart for animals, cheerfully shells out big bucks each month to care for a lame horse who cannot be ridden but never contributes to our needs. The most difficult part is simply keeping up my own spirits; that is a constant battle. I am fortunate that he has VA plus good insurance. We live in the country. There are both advantages and disadvantages to that. Country life revolves around church membership and we are not church goers. Country neighbors will be there in an instant in a moment of an emergency. That's the good part. Household help is available--but I can't afford it. I could get someone to come in a bathe George, but that is not what we need. We need someone to do the mowing, for instance, and I can't afford that so G. continues to do it although the vibration of the riding mower is terribly painful for him. I can't keep up with the housework and don't want visitors because the house is not presentable. I must spend a terrific amount of time keeping George headed in the right direction and an incredible amount of time just trying to juggle the money to keep the household going. All the administration of the household falls on me: money, chores, supplies, cleaning, animal care, car maintenance, tool repair, everything. I don't have a life. I wonder if I ever will.
