Stories from Caregivers: Heather from MISSOURI
MO
Heather
FROM MISSOURI
Nothing prepared us for my Dad's cancer diagnosis in 2006. I had a huge meltdown- maybe because I realized my life as I knew it - changed in that moment. Three years of doctors appointments and hospitalizations followed. At the same time, I was trying to keep my mother sane, work full time and raise stepchildren because my husband was an over-the-road truck driver. If there were support groups, I didn't know about them and had no time to go anyway. So I armed myself with knowledge and always kept a notebook and pen with me and learned the hard way how to be a caregiver. In December 2008, our dad and family patriarch,Harry, passed away and I honestly thought Mom would mourn herself to death in a few short months. She didn't, but her mind went to a different place and after exhausting all resources, I had to place her in a nursing facility. Undoubtedly, this was one of the worst weeks of my life- the guilt was almost debilitating. Mom, Joan, is now surprisingly content, joyful and pleasant in her new surroundings although she doesn't know where she is or why. It is now 2015, and I am starting the caregiving routine with my in-laws. So what did I learn the hard way...the notebook I mentioned earlier? I wrote down everything that happened in the hospital and doctors visits - even the names of the nurses. I made doctor's draw pictures if I didn't understand, because if I didn't understand, Mom and Dad wouldn't either. I even bought a tape recorder so we could replay what doctors said. Let your boss know what is going on and know this, your work is an excellent escape when all else is crazy. It's the one place you have a measure of control over your life. Think about the little things a caregiver needs: taking the trash to the curb, raking leaves, getting mail, taking a caregiver to lunch, buying toilet paper, reminding a caregiver to care for themselves. I wish I had someone to remind me to pick up my own prescriptions! It takes so little to help someone in this situation and all the little things are greatly appreciated. I honestly walked away from my Dad's grave with no guilt because I knew in my heart I had done all I could do for him in his last years of his life. As for Mom and her situation, I still struggle with the guilt but we are blessed with a facility that treats her like family. Some days, the frustration and resentment of caregiving is overwhelming and this is not how I envisioned my 50s. But here I am and here WE are in the era of caregiving.
