Stories from Caregivers: Molly from NORTH CAROLINA
NC
Molly
FROM NORTH CAROLINA
I did long-distance caregiving for both my parents from 750 miles away for 8 years - returning home every 6-8 weeks to manage bills and paperwork as their mental capacity slipped, ensure safety, coordinate doctors' appointments, etc. When both my parents had falls, we hired full-time caregivers because they insisted on staying in their own home. I became the main contact/reference for the caregiving service. My brother, thankfully, who also lives 750 miles away, took over the finances. I used a lot of my vacation time traveling back and forth, and with hospitalizations, I had to do FMLA (which, I learned, means you have to use up all your accumulated vacation days FIRST before you get this benefit, which meant I could not save days for my spouse and children.) I moved closer - 4.5 hours away - 18 months ago, and my dad died at home with wonderful hospice care at home a year ago. I had not found a new job yet, so I had plenty of time to be with them. At this time, my mother is still in her home with 24-hour care, which is using up her resources fast, but she still longs to be at home. My husband and I have taken his mother (age 83) into our home due to her failing health. I have gone back to work halftime - Tuesday to Thursday - so I can have long weekends to travel to continue managing my mom's house and care. My mother-in-law is able to be home alone but she is needy and more and more dependent, and I admit it has been an adjustment having someone in our home all the time now. My husband manages all of her medications and finances now. We had my mom with us, too, for 3 weeks over the holidays. Two moms! I have used vacation time for caregiving at the expense of quality time with my husband and kids. I have used my own money for travel back and forth, groceries, household supplies, clothes, and other needs. My mother offers to pay sometimes, but she has dementia now and forgets and I don't want to bother her. I do what I do out of love, but sometimes it gets to be a lot. It would be nice to have more recognition and support for my kind of caregiving. I'm not the full-time caregivers, but I have used a lot of mental, physical and financial resources to ensure that my parents have been comfortable and safe. My goal is to keep them out of the hospital, and so far, except for the early falls, we've succeeded. My mother is a prime candidate for palliative care services, but we don't have that in her small town. When the time comes, I want her to have hospice services for as long as possible. That is one area that I hope AARP continues to support - strong palliative care and hospice programs EVERYWHERE. My goal is quality of life and then to Allow a Natural Death (A.N.D. - wording and acronym I like so much better than DNR - so much more positive and empowering for loved ones). Thanks for letting me share.
