From the Archive: Marlo Thomas and Phil Donahue Unveil Celebrity Secrets to a Long, Happy Marriage

Kevin: But we’re so privileged in about a bazillion ways. Yes, he’s a bad man, but we were dumb to —

Kyra: — trust him. We were both in shock. But then you do a quick body scan to get some perspective. Our children were safe, we were still working, we could make the money back.

Phil: Wow, that was quite a trial for you two.

Kevin: The first thing I thought was, I don’t know — let’s have sex or something. It’s free! But it didn’t challenge the marriage. In fact, the marriage made things easier. The money was gone, but we still had each other.

“There is no Plan B. No matter what, we want to work it out.” —Kyra

Martha Galvan/BAFTA LA

Viola Davis and Julius Tennon

Married in 2003

Their challenge: A Tendency to Overthink

She’s an introvert — and an Oscar-winning actress, as well as the Emmy-winning star of the ABC legal drama How to Get Away With Murder. He’s an extrovert who strikes up conversations with strangers. “I’m the mayor of everywhere,” he told us with a laugh. But when Julius, also an actor, met Viola, he was “excited about the possibility of what the relationship could be,” he said. Within three months, they were living together in an apartment in California. Julius had been divorced twice and had raised two children as a single parent before he met Viola. Together, they adopted daughter Genesis, now 9.

Viola: I always thought marriage was 50-50, but it’s 100-100. Julius is great with everything because he’ll listen and say, “Vee, stop thinking about a month from now. We’re not there yet. Think about today.” And that helps me a lot. The best thing I brought into my marriage is the ability to ask myself, What am I contributing to it? Or, What am I doing to destroy it? That’s been my personal responsibility — not to say, “Make me happy, Julius. Make the marriage good, Julius.” I also have to step up.

Julius: It’s always about keeping our marriage at the forefront. I’ve told her, “Honey, whatever you want, I’m doing it.”

Viola: Someone once told me that when couples marry, they experience a sort of dying of their old lives.

Marlo: Meaning?

Viola: Your joy and your happiness are important, and your husband’s joy and happiness are important. But you can’t operate separately with your own joy if it doesn’t honor the big umbrella of the ultimate commitment. You’ve got to feed the good of the whole. But I will say this: My big thing about marriage — and it’s advice I give to all of my friends — is that it doesn’t start when you walk down the aisle. Your marriage starts when you look over at a person whom you love more than anything and there’s that one character trait that makes you say to yourself, Oh, man, that’s going to drive me crazy. And then the next minute you say, But you know what? I love him. That’s when your marriage starts.

“You have to really listen to each other — because once you stop listening, you’re not there.” —Julius

Noam Galai/Getty Images

Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan

Married in 1988

Their challenge: Dealt a Devastating Diagnosis

For 28 of their 32 years of marriage, this couple have lived with Michael’s diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease. But not for one second does that overshadow the good fortune of their lives: a strong marriage, four healthy kids, professional success. And it’s their ability to stare down that uninvited presence in their home and carry on with buoyancy and hope that makes them the most fortunate of all.

Michael: I remember the moment I told her about my diagnosis. As Tracy has said, it was like a bus was coming at us and it was going to hit us one day — but we didn’t know when.

Tracy: In marriage, you have to take it all — the good with the bad. If you love somebody, you deal with whatever it is they’re dealing with. Their issues become your issues.

Marlo: What keeps you balanced?

Michael: Gratitude. I have gratitude for my family — first and foremost, Tracy, but also our kids. They are really great — so nonjudgmental and undemanding. Tracy and I often look at them and say, “What a great life we have. This is beautiful, what we’ve done.”

Marlo: When we marry, we promise love and devotion, but no wedding vow can prepare us for the unexpected.

Tracy: Right. As a couple, you’re always dealing with something, whether it’s the death of a parent or an illness or an issue with the kids, and those things can seem so insurmountable. But once you’ve gone through them together, it makes your marriage stronger. You realize, OK, we handled that. We can handle the next thing.

Michael: People always say, “Oh, you have these health issues,” and I reply, “There are worse issues. There’s horrible stuff in this world, and I’m doing OK.” But every once in a while, I’ll tell Tracy, “I haven’t got it today. I don’t know how to get beyond this.” And she’ll say, “You will. You feel this way today, but tomorrow, new things will show up, and they will change how you feel.” And she’ll be right. When I hit a wall — when I just need someone to get underneath me and get me up over that wall — she’s always that person. Always. Every time.

“Carve out time together, but also carve out time for yourself.” —Tracy

Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka

Married in 2014

Their challenge: Tamed Career Envy

When they first met in 2003, Neil and David were performing in separate musicals on Broadway. They quickly hit it off (“I started stalking him,” Neil joked), then moved to LA, where Neil starred for nine years as Barney in the popular TV series How I Met Your Mother.

David: I wasn’t having the best time in LA. I was an actor, too, so I was feeling like, “Hey, what about me?”

Neil: What made it even more challenging is that, as actors, we both wear our emotions on the sleeve.

Then David suffered a huge blow: his mother died. As he processed that loss, he decided on a big career change. A lifelong foodie, he enrolled at the culinary academy Le Cordon Bleu and landed a job as a chef. His first cookbook was published last year.

David: Cooking makes me happy.

Neil: He gets the attention that anyone wants, because hunger is such a basic desire. He’s able to provide an experience for people daily.

David: I never thought about it like that. I just thought, Everybody has to eat, so why not eat well?

The couple married after same-sex marriage became legal in New York. They now live in Harlem with their 9-year-old twins, who were conceived through a surrogate.

Neil: David and I had many conversations about family, so when we had our kids, we were ready for them.

David: I always find it funny when someone says gay people shouldn’t have kids. They have gone through so many hoops and want to have kids so badly. They’re invested in it.

“If you don’t communicate, assumptions can turn into resentments.” —Neil

Greg Doherty/FilmMagic

John Leguizamo and Justine Maurer

Married in 2003

Their challenge: Blending Two Cultures

It takes bravery to assimilate into a country that wasn’t always welcoming, as actor-writer-comedian John did after immigrating to the U.S. from Colombia as a child. And it takes bravery to write and perform raw, funny and emotionally bare one-man shows about the Latino experience. But no one speaks more articulately to John’s bravery than his most loyal fan — his wife of 17 years and the mother of their two children.

“He never flinches,” said Justine, who met John when she was a wardrobe assistant on his film Carlito’s Way. “That’s because he knows what he’s doing is right.”

Shortly after the two began seeing each other, John invited Justine’s entire family, along with his own, to his place for Thanksgiving. There were 50 guests in all — the Latin Leguizamos from Queens and the Jewish Maurers of New York’s Upper West Side. And John played the host fearlessly.

“I started to feel like I could trust him,” Justine told us. “I thought, He’s not afraid of what life has in store for us.”

John: I have a little bit of a temper, but I believe you shouldn’t say things you can’t take back. I’ve learned how to be angry without offending.

Justine: And I have less of that skill. But I don’t get mad that often. And I don’t have as much of a problem apologizing as I used to. I think getting rid of that kind of pride is so important.

John: Pride is a poison.

Justine: It doesn’t help anything.

Phil: John, when did you first feel you could trust Justine with your heart?

John: We had a date early on at the Angelika movie theater. She was late, and I flipped out. But the thing is, she was OK with me being hotheaded about a stupid little thing. She didn’t say, “Are you crazy? I’m only 20 minutes late.” We didn’t even go to the movie. We just stood there, talking, as she tried to calm me down. I felt really heard, really respected. And it made me fall in love with her even more.

“Don’t chase what you think will bring you happiness. Focus on the important moments.” —John