ILLUSTRATION BY SAM ISLAND

1. BRUCE: I can’t open this attachment. It says the file is corrupt.

BRAD: Try bribing it.

2. CARL: My wife knows I’ve been cheating. She found my hidden letters.

CHAD: You both take Scrabble too seriously.

3. BURT: Do you gossip?

BART: No, never! ... But you know who does? ...

4. MANDY: You look weird to me with those thick glasses.

ANDY: Well, you look weird to me without them.

5. JULIAN: I hate my job. Everyone just sits around staring into space.

JILLIAN: Maybe NASA’s not for you.

“When you get married, it’s the heaviest contract you will ever sign.”

“People have realized that women just get sexier as they get older. They get more learned and more rich with character.”

—Jennifer Lopez, 54

“One of my secrets: I remain the biggest kid in the room.”

—Snoop Dogg, 52

“I quit after every tour. Then two days later, I’m ready to go back.”

—Willie Nelson, 90

“I’m going to keep working. I don’t want to get up and watch Netflix.”

—Recently retired football coach Nick Saban, 72

“My flip phone, my mom jeans—she thought it was hilarious.”

—Actor Jason Priestley, 54, about his daughter watching Beverly Hills, 90210

“I’ve lost interest in the days of corsets and high heels.”

—Jodie Foster, 61, on getting to play characters in comfortable outfits

“I think my face represents who I am. I like it.”

—Actor Justine Bateman, 58, on aging

“I’m gonna die not knowing anything else but baseball because I love it so much.”

—Former All-American Girls Professional Baseball League player Maybelle Blair, 97

“What’s all this stuff about ageism in Hollywood? How did I get left out of it?”

—Actor Ellen Burstyn, 91, on her thriving career

“Make good trouble wherever and whenever you can.”

—Singer and activist Joan Baez, 83

“People say, ‘Well, such-and-such course is easy.’ I want to see the easy golf course. I’ve never played that one.”

—Smokey Robinson, 84, on his love of golf

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