1. TOURIST: Is it hard to spot a cheetah?
SAFARI GUIDE: I wouldn’t know. They’re born that way.

2. MINDY: My kids have been on eBay all day.
MANDY: That usually means you should drop the price.

3. BARRY: How’s that new universal remote control?
BOBBY: It changes everything.

4. DOCTOR: Your problem is that you sit too much.
PATIENT: I understand.
DOCTOR: Exactly.

5. TERRY: I haven’t forgiven you for putting superglue on my pen.
LARRY: Twenty years later and you still can’t let that go?

6. BILL: Can you describe yourself in three words?
WILL: Yes. Lazy.

7. WALLY: I’ve been hitting the gym hard this month.
HOLLY: Did you lose any weight?
WALLY: No, but I broke my hand.

“People are drawn to hope. …They just want to be pushed in the swing set of life every once in a while and say, ‘Whee!’”
—University of Colorado football coach Deion Sanders, 56

“I don’t need a job. I don’t want a job. But I love to work. And there’s a big distinction between the two.”
—Actor Bryan Cranston, 67

“I’m aging. It doesn’t mean I got bad plastic surgery. This is just what happens.”
—Actor Charlize Theron, 48

“I think sitting in bed with your iPad is a terrible idea: bad for your eyes and bad for your brain.”
—Model and actor Twiggy, 74

“I always was a person who said, ‘I’m never going to make a comeback.’ Because I’m never going to go away.”
—Singer Stevie Nicks, 75

“I’ve lost a lot of flesh and bone, but I’ve been refueled and refilled with love and titanium.”
—Actor Jeremy Renner, 53, injured in a snowplow accident a year ago

“My bad reputation’s made me a damned good living.”
—Singer Tanya Tucker, 65

“I really believe in the dignity of acting. … My dream is to die onstage.”
—Actor F. Murray Abraham, 84

ILLUSTRATION BY SAM ISLAND; PORTRAIT BY THOMAS FUCHS

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