1. ROD: How do you know if your chauffeur needs to see a psychologist?

ROSS: If he’s driving you crazy.

2. MIKE: I think my doctor has a crush on me.

MARK: What makes you say that?

MIKE: She says I have a cute appendicitis.

3. TARA: The onion is the only food that makes you cry without eating it.

FARRAH: You’ve obviously never had a coconut fall on your head.

4. TERRY: What drink best mixes bitter and sweet?

HARRY: Reali-tea.

5. ED: I saw a woman putting on makeup and talking on the phone while driving in the next lane.

FRED: That’s really dangerous.

ED: I’ll say. I almost dropped my electric razor in my coffee.

6. BOOTSY: There’s a new documentary out on clocks.

BETSY: It’s about time.

7. PATIENT: Every day I wake up thinking I’m a dog.

PSYCHOLOGIST: In that case, you’d better get off my couch.

“Take care of your elders, and I promise you will learn something special. Maybe even magical.”

—Lady Gaga, 37, after the death of collaborator Tony Bennett

“I now have this tattoo that says ‘carpe diem.’ That’s what we should live by.”

—Dame Judi Dench, 88

“Love from family and friends is the best medicine.”

—Madonna, 65, on recovering from a serious bacterial infection

“I’ve just turned 101, and that is, they tell me, my second childhood. So I am now a 101-year-old toddler.”

—TV producer and screenwriter Norman Lear

“My great-grandfather had a line that he often quoted: ‘I believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.’”

—A.G. Sulzberger, 43, publisher of The New York Times

“When I’m in top shape, I’m not sweating until song four.”

—Rapper 50 Cent, 48

“I want to learn how to cook. I want to be good enough to make seven meals and seven cocktails.”

—Retired golfer and broadcaster Nick Faldo, 66

“I want people to know me for good music. But just being a good person—that is important.”

—Rapper Missy Elliott, 52

CREDITS, FROM TOP: ILLUSTRATION BY SAM ISLAND; PORTRAIT BY THOMAS FUCHS; PHOTO BY MICHAEL MACOR/SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE/GETTY IMAGES

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