1. JULIAN: Why does this air mattress cost more than a foam pad?
JALEN: Inflation.

2. SALLY: I’m leaving you.
SAUL: Is it because I’m so literal?
SALLY: No, we’re just not working out.
SAUL: What if we join a gym?

3. DEAN: Are you still spending all your money on old Beatles records?
DIANNE: Yes, and I need Help!

4. KAT: Is five followers a lot?
KIT: On social media, no. In a dark alley, yes.

5. LUCY: How can I quit my gym?
LACY: Give your too weak notice.

6. PRINCIPAL: Your son has been telling lies.
PARENT: He must be good at it, because I don’t have a son.

7. CUSTOMER: This coffee tastes like mud!
SERVER: Well, it was ground just a few minutes ago.

“OK, will someone PLEASE tell me: When will I feel OLD? This is ridiculous.”

—Cher, on turning 77

“If I can write and sing, I’ll make records, even if it’s just for myself.”
—Paul Simon, 81

“You get things done by getting them done. I never run out of gas.”
—Former news anchor Tom Brokaw, 83

“The reason I’m not writing a book: because I don’t want to tell the truth, and I don’t want to lie.”
—Harrison Ford, 81

“I’ve learned to relax, let the lines drain out of my face, take everything in and just be who I am.”
—Actor Eugene Levy, 76

“Every decade you just become a little bit more like, ‘I’m me!’ You just own it more.”
—Sigourney Weaver, 73

“I suspect most of my time will be spent whittling on the front porch, but I don’t know how to whittle and I don’t have a front porch, so that will be a challenge.”
—Retiring Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak, 76

“If I don’t just do what I want, I’m going to fail at succeeding anyway.”
—Singer Norah Jones, 44

CREDITS, FROM TOP: ILLUSTRATION BY SAM ISLAND; PORTRAIT BY THOMAS FUCHS

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