Witty & Wise: Jokes and Quotes

Your AARP

WITTY & WISE

ILLUSTRATION BY SAM ISLAND

PORTRAIT BY THOMAS FUCHS

Illustration of people in a park with numbers corresponding to each joke: Man talking to woman with a cat on her head; A man looking perplexed talking to a woman with a water bottle; a nurse extending her arm welcoming a man with a bag on his head into a clinic; A man with a shovel talking to another man; A man holding a white board while a woman writes on it; A young man talking to a woman; A woman ordering a pizza from a stand while the clerk makes a circular motion with his finger

1. MOLLY: How do cats settle an argument?

WALLY: They hiss and make up.

2. JOHN: Are waterbeds bouncy?

JAN: Yes, if you use spring water.

3. PATIENT: Doctor, I need a cure for my paranoia.

DOCTOR: Welcome. We’ve been expecting you.

4. KEN: I heard you quit your job digging wells.

BEN: Yeah, I got fed up with the hole business.

5. COLIN: How would you describe a dry-erase board?

CAITLIN: Remarkable.

6. STUDENT: Do chemists tell dad jokes?

PROFESSOR: Yes, periodically.

7. CUSTOMER: I’d like a pizza delivered, but will it be long?

CLERK: No, round.

I’d rather leave a couple years too early than a couple of years too late. It’s been a great 40 years.
—Pat Sajak, 77, on retiring from Wheel of Fortune

I don’t think I’m telegenic. I’m one of those artists who should be heard and not necessarily seen.
—Billy Joel, 75

I can’t remember what I had for breakfast, but I can remember what I did when I was 15 years old. It’s amazing!
—Dick Van Dyke, 98

Losing my parents broke me, and I’m telling the audience, ‘Here’s how you can survive this: Find humor in everything.’
—Actor/comic Marlon Wayans, 52

I don’t get much of a buzz from performing with the Who. If I’m really honest, I’ve been touring for the money.
—Guitarist Pete Townshend, 79

As you age, you either become your worst self or your best self. I feel like I’ve become my better self.
—Steve Martin, 79

No one’s ever cried themselves to death. You can cry a lot, and I have. But you get to the other side.
—Valerie Bertinelli, 64

She never made it about what we didn’t have. She made it about what we did have. And how to celebrate that.
—Whoopi Goldberg, 68, on her mother

I want to get out, take my dress off and put my jammies on. It’s kind of like the opposite of Cinderella.
—Nicole Kidman, 57, on leaving parties

I want to go out singing a high note. I want to ascend to heaven as I’m standing there singing the highest note I can.
—Singer Wynonna Judd, 60

I like that I miss tennis. It’s a good miss. It’s like a nostalgia.
—Retired tennis champion Serena Williams, 42

How do you stay married for 47 years? You get a little hard of hearing. Both of us.
—“Judge Judy” Sheindlin, 81