1. JILL: “Did you remember to put ketchup on the shopping list?”
BILL: “Yes, and now I can’t read it.”

2. BRYCE: “My date last night promised to get me back on my feet.”
BRUCE: “How did it go?”
BRYCE: “She stood me up.”

3. OLLIE: “What’s the leading cause of dry skin?”
WALLY: “Towels.”

4. CUSTOMER: “Where will I find some books about greases and lubricants?”
CLERK: “Try the non-friction section.”

5. PATIENT: “I’m having problems with my hearing.”
DOCTOR: “Can you describe the symptoms?”
PATIENT: “Yes, they’re yellow. Homer is overweight. And Marge has blue hair.”

6. GERTIE: “Why can't birds make a living in public speaking?”
EARL: “Their talk is cheep.”

7. LANDLORD: “We need to talk about your incredibly high heating bills.”
TENANT: “Come by anytime; my door is always open.”

8. SARAH: “Why were you screaming at that poor cashier?”
FARRAH: “I was going for the volume discount.”

“I get little butterflies, but I think that’s OK. It shows that you’re still in love with what you do.”
—Angela Bassett, 64

“I’m 80, and I’m playing 77. It’s a bit of a stretch.”
—Harrison Ford, on his role in a Yellowstone prequel

“Now when I go on the street, the younger kids walk up and say, ‘We think you’re cool. Can we take a picture with you?’ And I’m like ‘Yes!’”
—Everything Everywhere All at Once star Michelle Yeoh, 60

“Ugh. I guess I’d better get in shape.”
—Julia Louis-Dreyfus, 62, on being cast in an upcoming Marvel film

“You can’t retire from music. It’s my life. A day without music is a mistake.”
—Composer John Williams, 91

“I never believed in a Plan B. Everybody that I know that has had a Plan B has had to use it.”
—Comic/TV personality Steve Harvey, 66

“Do I get to stop working at some point? On the other hand, I can’t imagine not working. So there you go.”
—Kathleen Turner, 68

“Be honest about everything, because that’s the only way you’re gonna win.”
—Singer Mary J. Blige, 52

“When people called me that awful name—the worst thing you can be called in television, an ‘intellectual’—I cowered.”
—Dick Cavett, 86

“One governs with the head, not the knee.”
—Pope Francis, 86, on using a wheelchair

“When you’re depressed, for anyone reading this ... move. Move your body. Because it makes you feel better. Isn’t that simple?”
—Singer Wynonna Judd, 58

FROM TOP: ILLUSTRATION BY SAM ISLAND; PORTRAIT BY THOMAS FUCHS

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