1. “Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.”
—Conan O’Brien

2. “Don’t try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.”
—Russell Baker

3. “My father taught us how to defend ourselves, taught us all these moves, and then he told us never to use them unless you were defending your mother, your brother, [or] you’re sticking up for someone who’s being bullied.”
—Queen Latifah

4. “My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.”
—Bob Odenkirk

5. “I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet.”
—Dax Shepard

6. “There should be a children’s song ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’”
—Jim Gaffigan

7. “A father carries pictures [in his wallet] where his money used to be.”
—Steve Martin

8. “Even though I’m proud my dad invented the rearview mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.”
—Stewart Francis