THIS IS 50
How to Deal When Mom Moves In
You love your parents. But can you live with them?
IT’S EASY TO THINK that the trend of multiple generations living in the same home is because grown kids are boomeranging back—or never left. But just as frequently these days, it’s because aging parents are joining their kids’ households.
As Steve and Marta Burcham have learned, inviting an elder to move in with you can cause unexpected tensions. The Oklahoma City couple built a whole new house to share with Marta’s 85-year-old mother after she was widowed. The two thought that putting their bedroom upstairs and Mom’s on the first floor would ensure enough elbow room for everyone. They thought wrong.
“There’s no privacy in the house,” says Steve, 53. “The air conditioner’s always a battle: I like to keep it about 70 degrees; she wants to keep cranking it down lower.” Other sources of conflict: whether to leave TVs and radios on and whether to leave dishes in the sink for later. “It’s one thing to love your mother,” says Marta, 52 and a social media specialist. “It’s another to move her in after you’ve been married 20 years.”
Living situations like the Burchams’ are growing increasingly common. Almost 67 million Americans over age 18 now live in a multigenerational household. For many such families, the arrangement is a source of ease and joy. Grandparents can help with child-rearing duties—and also help foot the bills. And after a few decades out on their own, midlife adults often have the perspective and wisdom to cherish more time with their parents.
But such rosy hopes can cause unrealistic expectations. “Couples can be very idealistic about how this is going to go,” says Sara Qualls, a professor of psychology at the University of Colorado. “Anticipating that rubs are going to come up helps to break through that idealization.”
Close quarters can easily spark conflict, says David Rakofsky, a clinical psychologist and founder of Wellington Counseling Group in Chicago. “No matter your temperament, you’re going to see this parent or in-law on their worst days. And they’re going to see you on yours,” he says. “In-laws, in particular, may have enjoyed decades of distant politeness. But that can all change, and it can feel really destructive if not well handled.” A March 2022 report from the Pew Research Center says almost a quarter of adults in multigenerational homes say the arrangement is stressful “all or most of the time.”
If you’re considering asking Mom or Dad to move in, your first job is to make sure you’ve truly grown up. “Many people regress when they return to living with their family of origin,” says Regina Koepp, a Vermont-based geropsychologist. “It can raise old conflicts that didn’t fully get resolved and are still tender spots.”
Says Mary McLeod, 57, whose 83-year-old mother came to live with her in 2020 for help during cancer treatment, “Sometimes I still feel like I could be 15 years old. It brings up older dynamics between Mom and I: ‘You shouldn’t be talking back to me!’ ” Whatever the history, it’s the adult child’s responsibility not to replay it. That doesn’t mean you have to suppress your feelings, Rakofsky stresses. “This may be your opportunity to work on those things. To give voice to them in a loving, constructive way.”
Thinking of having a parent move in? Experts and those who have done so offer these tips.
Set firm priorities. “Get clear on your goals as a couple,” advises Qualls. “Do you want to have a big impact at work? Have you been celebrating the empty nest? Tell the truth about what’s important to you now. Once you do, it will become obvious which conflicts could arise—and then you can prepare for them.”
Protect your intimacy. “Think about how you use your space and time for play, for fighting, for deep talks,” Qualls adds. “When and how will the elder be kept out of decisions? How much family business gets shared?”
Escape together regularly. Dedicate time to your partner. “Every week we take one day off, and we go have fun,” says Marta Burcham. Adds husband Steve, “We also go on three or four vacations a year, just the two of us.”
Establish house rules. Just like in any functional group-house arrangement, family members need to agree on their rights and responsibilities. Good topics to nail down: finances, meals, chores, privacy, noise, schedules, social lives. Review the list with your spouse first, then present it to the elder for their contribution.
Schedule “couple chats.” Koepp advises taking a half-hour walk together a few times a week. Whether you’re the child or the child-in-law, “try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes,” she says. “Share your perspective. Get on the same page.” —Elizabeth Kuster
Reasons for buying a multigenerational home
31% BECAUSE ADULT KIDS MOVED BACK HOME
37% BECAUSE ADULT KIDS NEVER LEFT
38% TO LOOK AFTER THE HEALTH OF AN AGING RELATIVE
SOURCE: NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS, 2022 PROFILE OF HOME BUYERS AND SELLERS
THE GOON OL’ DAYS
An iconic ’80s movie forged friendships that endured
Actor Ke Huy Quan, 51, meant it when he called attorney Jeff Cohen his “Goonies brother for life” during his Oscar acceptance speech in March. He and Cohen, along with actors Corey Feldman, Sean Astin, Josh Brolin and Martha Plimpton, met as kids while shooting the ’80s kidventure classic The Goonies. Four decades later, the Goonies gang has a text chain, where they check in regularly, Feldman told the New York Post. So Quan turned to Cohen to negotiate his Everything Everywhere deal. Score one for lasting friendships. —Eric Spitznagel
People in their 50s underestimate their future Social Security benefits by about $1,900 a year. Create a My Social Security account at ssa.gov for accurate details.
SOURCE: NATIONAL BUREAU OF ECONOMIC RESEARCH
MODERN GROOMING
DOES BODYWASH BEAT BAR SOAP?
LIQUID SOAP for your body—a.k.a. bodywash—has taken pride of place on drugstore shelves; bar soap is barely to be found. Is this good? Yes, in some ways. In your 50s, your skin has less ability to retain moisture, and bodywash tends to be more moisturizing, thanks to emollients like glycerin, shea butter and hyaluronic acid. But your skin is also more sensitive; opt for products that boast “fragrance free” or “paraben free” on the packaging.
But there’s still a strong case to be made for bar soap: Its packaging is more eco-friendly, and it doesn’t require a washcloth to apply. Plus, bar soap generally contains fewer preservatives, ideal for those seeking a hypoallergenic option. —Anissa Gabbara
MONEY SMART
TRICK YOURSELF INTO SAVING FOR RETIREMENT
YOUR 50S ARE a great time to get serious about retirement saving. So why do you avoid increasing your 401(k) contribution? “Your brain doesn’t love doing tedious things,” explains Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, a certified financial therapist. “Humans like to feel good.” But the human brain is easy to manipulate. Here’s how some psychological jujitsu can help you save more of your paycheck, says Bryan-Podvin.
Automate
Already transferring money each payday to a retirement account? Now schedule annual increases, typically one percentage point a year. Say you’re currently setting aside 8 percent of your salary; next year it’ll be 9 percent and the year after, 10 percent.
Stack Habits
Bryan-Podvin suggests pairing a money chore with an already-established pleasurable habit. “If you like to cozy up with the paper on Sunday morning, add a financial task to that routine,” she says. So check finances first, do a crossword second.
Create Rewards
Rather than thinking of retirement saving as a 40-year chore, Bryan-Podvin recommends having short-term goals and rewards. “For example, for every $1,000 you save, have a date night at home” that might include a favorite meal, game or movie.
Gamify Your Savings
“Add a little friendly competition with your partner,” suggests Bryan-Podvin. For example, challenge each other to be the first to add an extra $500 to your savings. Keeping track of a streak will help motivate you to keep going. —Emily Guy Birken
MY FIRST ...
READING GLASSES
FOR MY FIRST 50 years, I had perfect vision, and I was pretty insufferable about it. My inevitable comeuppance came when my wife and I were out with friends at a restaurant. No matter how or where I held the menu, the evening’s special read: Pmn-soprtd seztmr lr bwtttz bkomx.
Clearly, the problem was the dim lighting. “Sure is dark in here, huh?” I asked.
My friend Brian looked at me sympathetically, then handed his glasses across the table. I hesitantly accepted. Clear as day: Pan-seared salmon in beurre blanc.
“Might be time for reading glasses!” my wife said with a laugh.
I went to the drugstore the next day and landed on a pair that made me look somewhere between dashing accountant and nerdy fighter pilot. That night, I sheepishly put them on as I read my emails.
Time has brought acceptance; my house is littered with readers that range from cheapo plastic to fancy designer. And now, I shop to match my wardrobe—if I can’t have perfect vision anymore, at least I can have perfect taste in frames. —Joel Reese
FEEL BETTER NOW TO FEEL GREAT LATER
IF YOU’RE in your 50s, you might think you have more pressing concerns than how you’ll feel in your 80s. But your body is already starting the processes that can lead to ill health in old age. The good news? Experts say you can counteract these shifts with some fairly simple steps.
1 GET YOUR BASELINE NUMBERS
A yearly checkup is the best way to track your blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol and weight. Managing changes in these key stats can help you avert type 2 diabetes and heart disease.
2 MOVE MORE
If you’re not currently logging at least 150 minutes a week of moderate activity, try to make that your goal. Walking, golfing, biking and gardening all count. One of the best fitness tips: Walk faster.
3 CUT BACK ON BAD FOOD
Limit saturated fat, sugar and sodium. Instead, consider recipes that get their flavor from healthy seasonings such as ginger, turmeric, cinnamon, garlic and onions.
4 BOOST YOUR BONE HEALTH
Weight-bearing exercise helps combat age-related bone loss. So does your calcium intake. One good source: low-fat yogurt, which is also rich in gut-friendly probiotics.
5 PRIORITIZE MUSCLE STRENGTH Simple acts of strength, such as getting up from a chair, can become harder with age. Stay strong with free weights, resistance bands or other strength training. —Barbara Brody
GET STARTED WITH AARP’S FREE REWARDS PROGRAM
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