REAL PEOPLE/ONE FAMILY’S JOURNEY
Taking Care of Dad—in Front of a Million People
Dan Salinger shares his dementia-caregiving journey on social media, inspiring others
Dan Salinger chronicles life with his father, Ed.
ABOUT TWO and a half years ago, we found bruises on my dad’s hip and shoulder. He had obviously fallen but had no memory of it. That was the moment my siblings and I knew he could no longer live alone. We moved him that day. Now my dad lives half the time with my brother Mark and half the time with me. Our other four siblings help out too. Caring for someone with dementia is not a one-person or two-person job.
I had started a TikTok channel during the pandemic to document my family’s life. When Dad moved in, he started showing up in the videos, and he quickly became the star of the channel. People fell in love with him.
Some of the most interesting videos are from when he wakes up. His memory is completely reset, and he doesn’t know what city he’s in. So I go, “Dad, OK, so here’s what’s going on. You’ve got memory loss. You live with your kids. Today you’re at my house. What other questions do you have?” And whatever questions he may have, I try to answer. That’s every single morning.
My dad gets recognized a lot when we’re out, and people are very respectful. But sometimes the 2 percent of comments that are negative can be overwhelming. Like someone saying, “You’re exploiting your father.” But I’m actually really protective of him. He’s dealing with this with dignity, and we always try to show that.
I think people appreciate seeing how difficult it all is, and that we sometimes fail. There is repetition, interruption, continuous questions, at times every two minutes. It’s emotionally draining to explain to somebody that their little brother died 15 years ago. Saying, “You don’t remember it, but trust me: You grieved.”
What makes sharing the videos worthwhile is when people email me to say, “Hey, I’m bringing my dad to live with me.” Seeing us do it has convinced them to at least try. I don’t want to make people who put their parents in dementia care feel guilty. Not everyone is capable of doing this because of financial or other reasons. But those emails really move me.
My dad still parents us and our kids. He asks about us, he advises us. And when you have a million people following you on TikTok, it opens up opportunities that you wouldn’t have had otherwise. All those followers are there because of Dad. We’re extremely appreciative of him. He doesn’t know how much he has done for us. —As told to Leslie Quander Wooldridge
Dan Salinger, 55, is an attorney in Elk Grove, California.
For our video with the Salingers, visit aarp.org/tiktokdementia.