AARP Hearing Center
Illustration by Nick Matej
15
“You’ve lived next door to the café for five years now, but you didn’t know the blackbirds were a rare species not commonly found in the United States?” the reporter asked.
“I knew they were special,” Gideon Kipling said. “The former owner of the café protected the birds fiercely. Didn’t let anyone close to them.”
“Didn’t that level of protection strike you as odd?”
“Lots of things strike me as odd in this town.”
He tapped his pen. “Let me get straight to my point. Do you think the previous owner was hiding something?”
Gideon folded his hands on the table. “Aren’t we all?”
Natalie
I pulled open the front door of the little house late Sunday afternoon. It was just after three o’clock, and Ollie was still napping. “Come in, come in. I thought for sure you’d had a moment of insanity when you called earlier. Have you considered seeking medical attention immediately? Could be you’re having an aneurysm or something.”
Anna Kate clutched a foil-wrapped platter with both hands. “Having my head examined might not be a bad idea. I’m not sure what I’m doing.”
That made two of us. When Anna Kate had called this morning and asked me to let Doc know that she decided to accept his Sunday supper invitation after all, I about fell over. I suggested she come here first, so we could walk over to the big house together in hopes of taking some of the strain off Anna Kate. “Ollie’s still napping, and I’m letting her sleep as long as possible. She’s grumpy if she wakes up too soon, and we don’t want that at supper tonight on top of everything else.”
“Why not? I hear grumpy pairs well with awkwardness and discomfort.”
“As tasty as that particular menu sounds, I think I’ll let her keep sleeping a few minutes more.”
“Cute place,” Anna Kate said as she followed me inside. She wore white denim capris and a teal-blue sleeveless blouse that brought out the green in her eyes. I hoped to the heavens that Mama wouldn’t say anything about the rubber flip-flops.
“It is that. Mama has good taste. It’s the free rent that makes it especially attractive, but I’ll be moving as soon as I can.”
Light glinted off the copper in Anna Kate’s eyebrows as they furrowed. “Really? Where?”
“An apartment in town. Maybe a rental house if I can swing it. Just ” I’d been about to say “away from here” but realized it wasn’t the whole truth. “I want to be independent, stand on my own two feet. I really envy you, Anna Kate. It’s inspiring how you came here and picked up running the café like it was no big deal. I could never do something like that.”
“It was a big deal, and yes, you could. Your success at the café is proof—look how you stepped right in without batting an eye. Besides, being independent isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I can’t tell you how many times I wished to have a normal, stable life growing up. Like you.”
“Normal is in the eyes of the beholder, I suppose.” I gestured to Anna Kate’s hands. “If you’re willing to let that dish go, you can set it on the kitchen counter and come sit down. I’m just cleaning up my mess.” I’d been working on sewing projects while Ollie slept.
Anna Kate glanced down as if not realizing how tightly she was gripping the platter, then laughed as she set it down. “I guess I’m a bit nervous.”
“I have to admit, I am too. Mostly because I don’t know what to expect.” I knelt in front of the coffee table and went about picking up the notions I had spread out. The lace, ribbon, pearls, and sequins. I’d been crafting items to sell at Hodgepodge. Marcy Kolbaugh had been excited at my ideas for designs to sell in the shop.
Anna Kate sat on the floor on the other side of the coffee table, and rested her hands on her knees. “You and me both. What did your parents say when you told them I was coming?”
“Daddy smiled. He gets this glint in his eyes when he’s happy— he was glinting like crazy. I didn’t see my mother. She’s been in hiding since the incident. He says she’s fine, just sorting through her feelings.”
It hadn’t been surprising to me that Mama had locked herself away—it’s what she always did when she couldn’t deal with an emotional overload. Only, this was the first time I knew of that she’d done it physically, rather than mentally.
I’d have worried more, but I saw the light burning late into the night in her sewing studio these past two days, so I knew she wasn’t completely lost.
Anna Kate hugged her knees. “Do we know that Seelie will even be at supper?”
“Technically, no, we don’t. But she’ll be there.”
“How do you know?”
“I know my mother. She wouldn’t want to be seen as an ungracious hostess, especially to family. And I think that when she saw you face-to-face, she realized just that: you are family. She’d been in denial up until that point. The truth all but slapped her in the face on Friday night. She had to admit she’d been wrong, and she’s never wrong. She has a lot of reconciling to do—mostly with herself. Hand me that glue gun, will you?”
Anna Kate passed over the glue gun and picked up a piece of rainbow fabric in desperate need of a good pressing. “Is this a bow tie? Mr. Lazenby would be so proud.”
“I’m expanding my headband business,” I said with a laugh, gesturing to a sewing machine in the corner of the room. “Baby bow ties, bibs, hair bows, booties. I need to either raid my mother’s sewing studio soon or get down to Fort Payne for supplies and fabric, because I’m fast running out.”
I was leaning toward Fort Payne, since I would be down there at the end of the week for my counseling appointment. Daddy had offered me use of his car, though I wouldn’t mind another trip with Cam. I wanted to learn more about him.
“Seelie sews?” Anna Kate asked.
It was hard to describe what happened to my mother when she sewed. It was as though she were replaced with a woman full of life, of passion, of personality and creativity. “Faylene says Mama is like magic with a needle. It’s true. The items she creates are works of art. She’s been sewing since she was a little girl. She taught me, and one day I’ll teach Ollie, if she wants to learn.”
It was one of the few heartfelt gifts I’d received from my mother. Something that wasn’t bought in a store or with the intention of improving me somehow, like the collection of Clinique makeup and acne treatments I’d been given for my fourteenth birthday. There had been no hidden motives behind teaching me to sew—she’d simply been sharing something that made her happy because she thought it would bring joy to me, too.
It had. Some of the happiest times in my childhood were spent in Mama’s sewing studio. Unfortunately, those lessons never lasted long, and then she would retreat into her shell once again, leaving me wanting more of the woman she’d been before AJ died.
“As nervous as I am, I’m glad you decided to come to supper today, Anna Kate. But I admit, I’m mighty curious. What made you change your mind? I heard you were dead set against ever sharing a meal with my parents.”
“I can only guess where you heard that.”
“People like to talk.”
“Gossip, you mean.”
Smoothing a finger over a scrap of ribbon, I said, “I’m surprised you haven’t realized that means the same as talking around here.”
“I was dead set against it, because I didn’t want to betray my mother. I had such a picture of what the Lindens were like in my head. What they looked like, where they lived, how they lived, and the kind of people they were.” She laced her fingers. “Since I’ve been here in Wicklow, I’ve realized that the picture I had painted in my head wasn’t my picture at all. It was my mother’s. There have been things I’ve seen that don’t match up. In fact, the only thing that does is how much Seelie hates my mom.”
“Hate” was such a strong word, but I struggled to find a replacement. It could be because there wasn’t one—my mother had hated Eden Callow. Still did. “Is it not still a betrayal, you being here today?” I asked as gently as I could.
“Maybe it is,” Anna Kate said. “But on Friday night, when I looked into Seelie’s eyes and saw all that pain and regret, I decided that maybe it was time to start painting my own picture. As much as I love my mom, she did teach me to think for myself, so I believe she’d understand.” She grimaced. “Maybe. I hope.”
I couldn’t help laughing. “Like I said, I’m glad you’re here. As much as Eden might’ve disliked my parents, I imagine she’d want you to know more about AJ. You’ll probably get an earful today.”
Her eyes brightened. “I hope so.”
“I know so. Mama, especially, will probably go on and on.”
Anna Kate ran a finger along the edge of the coffee table. “What’s Seelie like? Truly like? I only know my mother’s version of her.”
I tightened the lid on a canister of beads, and then set it into the laundry basket I used to store my sewing goods. “I’m not sure I’m the right person to ask.”
“But as her daughter, you know her best. Right?”
I tried to evade the question. “It’s complicated.”
“Why?”
Setting a pair of pinking shears in the laundry basket, I took a deep breath. “To people in the community, she’s prim and proper and graceful. She’s charitable and driven and stoic. She has high expectations, impeccable taste, and a discerning eye.”
“They also know she’s quick to judgment and can cut you with a look. But I really want to know how you see her. I’ve heard rumors you’re not close. Why is that?”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to get into all this, but Anna Kate was family, and she had the right to see all the dirty laundry. “My earliest memories of her are warm and loving. There were lots of hugs and kisses and cuddling. But all that changed when AJ died. I was three. I didn’t understand much of what was happening, all I knew was that AJ was gone, and my mother, as I knew her, was gone too. She’d disappeared into someone who looked like Mama, but she wasn’t the same. Cold and distant. It was Daddy who started reading me stories at bedtime. Daddy who kissed my scrapes and made my breakfast and picked out my clothes, which was all well and good, but I really wanted my mama back.”
Anna Kate picked at a loose string on the seam of her pants. “I’m guessing she never came back?”
I wove a piece of lace through my fingers, pulling so tightly it hurt. “While I was growing up? No, not really. Every now and again, when she sewed, I’d see her, but it was so brief that I questioned whether it was real or just me hoping she was finally healing. I see glimpses of the old her with Ollie, though, and it gives me hope that she’s still in there, trying to find her way out. I hope she does, I truly do, but it doesn’t make up for what I lost out on.”
My father’s words echoed in my head as I set the lace in the basket.
Grief can change a person to the point where they become some one they don’t know, or even like very much.
“And I feel terrible for saying that,” I admitted, “but it’s the truth. I know she was suffering—but she never sought help for it. She tried to stiff-upper-lip it, because she thought mental health was something to be ashamed of, to be swept under the rug and whisper about behind people’s backs. I don’t think Mama could have withstood gossip on top of her grief.”
Mama hadn’t come around on the topic of mental health until I’d had my first panic attack and Daddy had insisted I see a therapist. It had taken her seeing my pain to understand that help meant health and there was nothing to be embarrassed by in seeking treatment.
Anna Kate said softly, “Seems like we all lost a lot when my dad died.”
“It’s kind of astounding, isn’t it? How one split second can alter so many people’s lives? Dividing our lives into categories of before and after? Before AJ died … after AJ died … Sorry. I’m getting philosophical.”
“It’s okay. I think a lot about that kind of thing, too. What if the car hadn’t crashed that day ... ? Would my mother and father have gotten married? Would I have grown up here in Wicklow? Would my mom still have become a nurse? Or would she be running the café? The what-ifs keep me up at night sometimes.”
“Same here,” I said, thinking of how many sleepless nights I’d had. Not just with AJ and his accident, but with Matt and his drowning, as well. “If AJ hadn’t died, would I have been a happier child? Would I be less of a people-pleaser? I spent a good portion of my younger years trying to get my mother’s attention. I did everything she asked, going above and beyond to make her proud. Yet my every accomplishment was compared to AJ in some way.”
“Like how?”
“Oh, little things. I’d come home with A’s on a report card, and Mama would be sure to tell me that AJ always earned A’s, too— usually in harder subjects than mine. If I mentioned that I liked the color green, Mama would mention that his favorite color was blue. Foods were the worst. If I said I liked carrots, I’d hear about the time AJ tried carrots for the first time and spit them out on Daddy’s tie. He hated them. Not only that, I had a thousand rules to live by, because Mama had become irrationally overprotective.”
“I can kind of understand why.”
“Oh, I can too, but it didn’t make it any easier to live with. By the time I was a teenager, I came to the realization that to get Mama to notice me, I needed to do things AJ never had.”
Anna Kate’s lips twitched. “Oh no.”
“Oh yes. I thought bad attention would be better than no attention, so I started rebelling. Small ways, mostly, just to aggravate Mama, because I really was a good kid. Dyeing my hair. Smoking, which only made me queasy. Listening to music she didn’t approve of. Running away tended to get the most attention, but I never went far.”
I almost laughed, thinking of the times I’d run off—only to wander along Willow Creek and get eaten alive by mosquitos until the wee hours. I hadn’t had any best friends to get into teenage mischief with and there certainly had been no boyfriends—no one was ever good enough for Seelie Earl Linden’s approval. But when I was located or eventually wandered back home, I always let my mother think the worst. Getting caught, after all, was the whole point of sneaking out.
Anna Kate smiled. “I bet that went over well.”
“It backfired, actually. I thought she’d finally start seeing me for who I was, but the more I acted out, the more rigid she became, freezing me out even more. Just when I thought I couldn’t take her coldness any longer, I graduated from high school and went off to college. There, I suddenly had all the freedoms I ever wanted, so of course I went and did the stupidest thing possible, at least in my mother’s eyes. It certainly got her attention, but it was the final straw for her, and she all but cut me out of her life.”
“What did you do?” Anna Kate asked, eyes wide. “Don’t tell me you got arrested.”
“Worse.” A squeak came from the hallway—Ollie was waking up. I threw a look at the clock. And it was time to go over to the big house.
“What could possibly be worse in Seelie’s eyes than getting arrested?” Anna Kate asked.
I stood, lifted the laundry basket, and looked at Anna Kate dead on. “I got married.”
Anna Kate
“Okay,” Natalie said, turning to face me on the walkway between the guesthouse and the main house. Her dark eyes were focused and serious. “If you get too overwhelmed, we leave. Just get up and go.” She snapped her fingers. “We should have a signal or code word or something. How about ... oh, I don’t know …” She looked all around, up and down, and then laughed. “I can’t think of a thing.”
A sleepy-eyed Ollie lifted her head off Natalie’s shoulder, stared at her mother, and then started laughing too.
I loosened my grip on the platter. “How about succotash?”
“As in sufferin’?” She laughed harder, which set Ollie off again.
I smiled at them. “I used to love watching Looney Tunes. Sylvester the Cat was a favorite.”
“Sufferin’ succotash. I haven’t heard that phrase in forever. It definitely fits. You ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
She nodded vigorously. “It’ll be fine. Just fine. Absolutely fine.”
It wasn’t the first time I’d heard Natalie say those words in that order, and I wondered how often she used them as a pep talk for herself. A lot, I guessed.
As we headed for the patio doors leading into the kitchen, I wished we could turn around and go back to Natalie’s cozy little cottage and pick up the conversation we’d been having. She’d left me on a cliff-hanger with the whole marriage thing, promising to tell me another time what had happened.
Keeping my arm’s-length policy had crashed and burned where Natalie was concerned. Was it because she wasn’t simply a friend but my aunt? I wasn’t sure. All I knew was I’d never opened up to someone like I had with her. This wasn’t a relationship that would simply fizzle out because one friend moved away from another and lost touch. Family was forever. For better or for worse.
The air-conditioner droned as Natalie led us into a spacious kitchen. Light flooded the room, catching on copper pots hanging from a ceiling rack above a wide island.
A light stone countertop complemented dark maple cabinets and vivid sage-green walls. A potato masher, its wires thick with creamy spuds, rested on a wooden cutting board, and a roasting pan scraped of drippings sat on iron trivets. Bowls and plates were piled deep in the farmhouse sink. Several colorful flower arrangements were displayed in vases on the countertops and the kitchen table.
The air smelled of sweet ham, a hint of rose, and was filled with soft jazz. Plates rattled from the dining room, and my grip once again tightened on the platter.
“Hello!” Natalie called out. “We’re here!”
“Hihi!” Ollie said as Natalie put her down and straightened the hem of Ollie’s dress.
For the millionth time since I woke up that morning I reminded myself why I was doing this. It would have been easy to keep on minding my own business. To ignore the Lindens and the pain they carried around like an aura.
But as I had gone to sleep last night after hearing the blackbirds sing their soul-stirring song, it was Bow’s voice I heard echoing in my thoughts.
Seems to me there’s a whole lot of people around here carrying around a heap of pain tied to the past. Might be time to start letting that go and start healing.
The pain we all shared stemmed from that one moment in the past when our worlds were split, like Natalie had said, into a before and an after.
Twenty-five years of grief and sadness, pain and anger.
It was time to let go. To heal.
I was the link between the before and the after, and I could no longer deny that the job of putting this family back together was mine. As uncomfortable as that may be.
However, as a Callow, healing was my calling, and I was suddenly very much up for the challenge. Or so I told myself, so I wouldn’t run out the door and not look back. Nerves were making me question my decision.
Doc appeared in the dining room doorway, and upon seeing us, his shoulders dropped, and he let out a breath. His eyes were, in fact, glinting.
Ollie’s dark hair flew out behind her as she went running as fast as her little legs could carry her straight into his arms. He winced as he picked her up.
“You okay there, Daddy?” Natalie asked.
“Went golfing again yesterday, and my old muscles are feeling it.” He met my concerned gaze and pasted on a smile. “I am so happy to see the three of you. Thank you, Anna Kate, for accepting my invitation. Welcome. You didn’t have to bring anything.”
“Anna Kate brought something?” Seelie said, coming into the room.
She had a hand wrapped around her pearls as she kissed Ollie’s cheek, then hesitated before pecking Natalie’s. She then took a step toward me as if coming in for a hug, then abruptly dropped her arms and took the platter out of my hands.
I wasn’t sure whether I was relieved or sad about the hug. Seelie’s voice was light, her face neutral. I didn’t sense any malice or ill will. Just awkwardness. She wore linen trousers, a short-sleeved sweater, and only the bare minimum of makeup—a little cover-up, mascara, blush, and lip gloss. Her feet were bare, her toes painted soft pink.
I glanced at Natalie, who had a hand pressed to her cheek, and wondered when Seelie had last kissed her.
Seelie bent her head low to the platter. “Biscuits. Oh, they smell divine, Anna Kate. What kind are they?” she asked casually, as if I’d spent every Sunday with them my whole life long.
I threw a look at Natalie, who stared at her mother, as if not recognizing her. It suddenly felt like the Twilight Zone in here. “They’re zucchini and cheddar.”
“Is that,” Seelie sniffed, “thyme I smell?”
“Fresh thyme from Zee’s garden and a bit of jalapeño.”
Seelie smiled—a smile I recognized as my own—and said, “What a delightful combination. I look forward to tasting them.” She dropped the foil on the counter, picked up the platter, and carried it toward the doorway, slowing only to tickle Ollie’s leg.
Natalie snapped her mouth closed, opened it again. “What’s with Mama?” she asked Doc.
His eyes were still glinting. “I’m not sure what you mean?” Natalie said, “Is she medicated?”
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