7 Ways to Graciously Navigate Holiday Traditions You Aren't Used to

Try continuing the conversation with “I would like to understand where you’re coming from.” With a better idea of why someone is thinking about something in a certain way, it is easier to tolerate the differences you’re noticing, says Cristina Espinoza, a family education coordinator based in Los Angeles.

It’s about setting “our ideas, feelings and beliefs aside, and putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes,” she says. It’s about asking ourselves what the other person is feeling.

For example, says Espinoza, if an aunt expresses displeasure or disdain toward a particular ethnic group, she may be jaded by past experiences that signaled to her that this group as a whole has poor values, or she may have a hidden fear related to the differences this group represents. In response, you can admit that you disagree or are concerned about her comments, but add that you’re interested in hearing more about the reasons behind her perspective before jumping to conclusions. 

“It’s just about being welcoming, being curious, being interested,” White says. “When we do those things, we can deal with a lot of the obstacles that can come up with different cultural groups and differences in general.”

3. Compromise when beliefs collide

What about when people are at odds ideologically?

“Those are probably the trickiest intercultural issues to work through, when you have genuine differences about what something means and how you want to approach it,” says Scott Seider, an associate professor of applied development and educational psychology at Boston College.

As part of his research, Seider interviewed an Irish American, Christian husband who was a proponent of many presents during the holidays. That level of consumption was difficult for his wife, who was South Asian American and Muslim. 

After many discussions, she recognized that her husband’s celebratory style wasn’t rooted in consumption but in childhood, which allowed her to accept his wishes despite some discomfort. The husband, meanwhile, learned to compromise on cultural traditions important to his wife, such as shaving a baby’s head at birth and, if it’s a girl, piercing her ears. 

“Ultimately, there’s just got to be compromise and communication in figuring out what can work,” Seider says.

4. Apologize if you unintentionally offend, and take a beat if you are offended

Deal with inadvertent affronts swiftly and politely.

“Just say, ‘I’m sorry, I misunderstood’ or ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to do that,’ ” Thiederman says. “That requires being vulnerable, and if somebody takes deep offense regardless, maintain your dignity and move on. We don’t know what other people have been through.”

It’s also a good time to do a quick self-check on any biases you yourself might have. Or, even better, do this before going into the gathering.

You want to steer clear of inflexible beliefs about a category of people, which is the nature of bias, advises Thiederman. “Get it out of your head that all members of a particular group … have particular characteristics, whether positive or negative,” she adds. 

5. Create opportunities for connection

Espinoza is a fan of icebreakers, such as batting a balloon around the room without letting it touch the floor, and three-legged races. “No matter what age we are, we all have inner children who will love and appreciate play,” she says.

Espinoza adds that storytelling among different generations can be really powerful and bring families and friends closer.

6. Ask questions if something doesn’t make sense

Thiederman has found that people often think asking for clarification is rude, when in fact it is a sign of respect.

Daza says, “Questions can be perceived as othering or biased or prejudiced, but knowing that a lot of them are coming from a place of ignorance rather than a lack of love is a good entry point.”

We’re human and fallible, and there’s nothing wrong with that, says White. “If no one is allowed to mess up, then we aren’t learning anything and we’re actually creating more distance between each other,” she explains.

“What we forget is that by asking, we’re showing that we care,” she says. “People think they’re supposed to know these things, and they can’t know.”

What if this unintentionally raises tensions instead?

You can attempt to find middle ground by inviting others to share in a mindful practice, proposes Espinoza: “You can say, ‘Let’s take a deep breath and remember that we’re on the same team. This is an issue we’re trying to resolve — or at least discuss — and we all win when we try to understand each other.’ Coming in with openness allows so much more to be possible.”

7. Ground yourself beforehand

This time of year, we can benefit even more than usual from meditation, morning walks, journaling and other self-care practices to help us handle any situation we might face. 

These “support our emotional regulation and willpower throughout the day, setting us up to manage social situations with family and any potential conflict,” says Espinoza.

Going in with the right frame of mind can make everything go smoothly, says Thiederman. “If we all go into situations with the mindset that we are different in some ways and alike in other ways, we can get on with being human.”