Room at the Inn: How to Share the Holidays With Family Members of a Different Religion

My husband had never dated a Jewish girl before me, let alone known a Jewish person. In the early years, we had a lot to learn from each other – and to teach our daughter. To help her escape confusion, we answered many questions, and we never made her feel that one religion was better than the other.

In the early days of our marriage, our dual-religion family was a minority. Today, millions of mixed-religion families combine the holidays into one, affectionately called Chrismukkah by many. This label does not diminish the relevance of each. 

Nonetheless, the holidays commemorate entirely unrelated events.

“Hanukkah and Christmas are not similar,” Rabbi Barbara Speyer, a chaplain for the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs, told me. “I would hope that people would be respectful of the uniqueness of each faith and celebrate each holiday for what they represent.”

Hanukkah, which translates to “dedication” in Hebrew, remembers the triumph of the Maccabees over Greek-Syrian invaders who outlawed the Jewish religion in the second century B.C.E. The Maccabean revolt was victorious, thanks in part to a miraculous olive oil that burned in the temple’s menorah for eight nights, even though it was supposed to last only one.

Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus, which occurred about 130 years later. Both holidays are celebrated for their historical and spiritual significance.

“Christmas and Hanukkah are remembrances of God’s victories and His love for people, and are both deserving of joyful family celebrations,” Rev. Vince Roldan, lead chaplain at the Los Angeles County Fire Department, told me.

“Both are celebrations of actual events celebrating victories of God’s people,” said Rabbi Yerachmiel Shapiro, spiritual leader of the Moses Montefiore Anshe Emunah Hebrew Congregation in Baltimore,. “It’s easy to water down the meanings with all the gift-giving involved. It’s a challenge to make it more than about the presents.”

Gift-giving became part of the Christmas tradition around the 4th century A.D., after the death of Bishop Nicholas of Bari, Italy, a.k.a. St. Nicholas or Santa Claus, the patron saint of children, sailors and voyagers. Images of a modern-day Santa Claus squishing himself through a half-billion chimneys in one night add to the festive lore associated with the holiday, but it is unrelated to Jesus’ life or the gospels.

For Jews, gift-giving didn’t occur until the 20th century, when living freely alongside their Christian neighbors in America, Jewish parents wanted their children to experience the joy of their own holiday the way Christian kids did.

Today, my husband’s family delivers presents to be opened on Christmas morning. Santa Claus leaves us something as well. My family’s Hanukkah tradition involves lighting candles, saying a prayer and giving one small gift to the grandchildren each night. On the eighth night, we give a more expensive gift.

Along with the gift-giving, we share other traditions that will carry into the future. Each year, the women from both sides of our family gather to fry latkes, laugh and toast another year. The kids play the dreidel game and sing Hanukkah and Christmas songs.

Yes, December involves long hours of cooking, days of shopping, secret gift wrapping and memorable family time. A too-talkative uncle may let his jaw loose. An elderly aunt may treat a teenager like a baby. A grandparent may confuse a grandchild’s name. Regardless, we all celebrate the same way: with love, laughter, and a prayer for peace.

Share your experience: Have you melded customs together to share a multi-religious holiday? Tell us how in the comments.