Dr. Imani Woody

The moment that sparked my passion

Before my dad died in 2010, we had to put him in a nursing home. He had good insurance and advocates, but it wasn’t enough. We ended up pulling him out, and he died at home. He was a heterosexual adult with ample resources and that was not enough. I thought: What if he had been an old out gay man or an out transgender person?

Around the same time, a colleague who was well-off and living in an upscale retirement residence was found five days after he died. Over and over I hear about folks being alone and dying alone. That was my aha moment — that we need to support our elders in a more communal and family-centered way.

What I wish other people knew

I wish people knew and adhered to what is called the Platinum Rule: treating everyone the way they want to be treated. It’s a little different from the Golden Rule, which says to treat people how you want to be treated. The emphasis is on others, not yourself. This is particularly important when working with LGBTQ+/SGL elders because they often haven’t experienced either the Golden or the Platinum Rule. So, for example, we always ask people how they want to be addressed and what pronouns they use.

Advice to others who want to make a difference

We can all make a difference. There’s a well-known story by Loren Eiseley called “The Star Thrower” that illustrates this. As I’ve heard the story, a young girl is throwing something into the ocean. A man walking along the beach sees she is tossing one starfish after another from a huge number of beached starfish into the water. “You’re not going to be able to save all of them,” he tells her. The girl throws another starfish into the sea and says, “I might not be able to save all of them, but I made a difference to that one.”

Everyone can make a difference. Everyone can do something, even if it seems small, even if it’s just one thing a day.

Why my approach is unique

We are currently building brick-and-mortar residences, starting on the grounds of my childhood home. But we can’t build community and support for our elders with brick and mortar alone. We have to create welcoming communities and affirming environments, including going into nursing homes and retirement facilities, and teaching staff and residents how to practice cultural humility in working with elders, LGBTQ+/SGL people in particular. The Villages at Mary’s House, our newest and largest program, comprises both virtual and brick-and-mortar communal spaces to create connectedness to chosen family.