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How do you find someone to love later in life, when you don’t have the advantage of the youthful encounters available in high school and college, where hundreds of possible partners parade past each day on the way to math or English class? When your life may encompass many decades, births and deaths, marriages and divorces, great joys and also deep heartaches?
There’s online dating, wading through photos and profiles, looking for someone with whom there might be a spark. Then, if things look promising, taking a chance and meeting for coffee. This can lead to a few dates — and also a lot of dead-ends and disappointments. But let’s say you find someone.
In younger love, you would worry about introducing him or her to your parents, as well as meeting his or hers. That’s four people. But in this “later love” scenario, there may not only still be parents involved, but also kids and even grandkids. Will they be accepted? Will you be accepted? The permutations of the situation have just quadrupled, like a complicated math problem.
Taking a leap and finding joy on the other side
I had married young, at 19 — too young to know who I was or what I wanted out of life. At 30, I knew I had to face up to my unhappy marriage and make a change. I signed up for a personal growth course, which challenged me to go beyond my fears — jumping off a mountain on a zip line, rappelling down a steep cliff and other terrifying tests. I thought it would help me get over my fear of heights.
I did not get over that fear, but I did learn that once I faced the terror of jumping off that mountain via that zip line, that joy and exhilaration waited on the other side. That I could be afraid and still go ahead into unexplored territory. That I could take a leap, both in real life and figuratively, and I could uncover new and deeper aspects of myself and my abilities.
Within months, I separated from my husband and, with my two young daughters, began to carve out a life on my own and discover my own values and identity. For the next 30 years, I cherished my independence and relished my journey of learning and growth. I dated many interesting men, but always guarded my freedom, keeping a safe buffer around me.
Turning 60, I felt a shift. Could it be time to allow a real love partner into my life at last? I felt mature and strong enough to open up to that vulnerability, so I started my new quest, like many others have, on the internet.
After a few false starts, one of my coffee dates led to a real invitation — a New Year’s Eve gala. I’d spent recent New Year’s Eves babysitting granddaughters, so I felt ready to celebrate. My date was handsome and charming, and we had fun. But after a few more dates, I noticed that we were on different paths, so we parted as friends.
In the short time we were dating, however, my granddaughters had seen him a few times. One day, my 6-year-old granddaughter took me aside and asked, “Are you going to marry him?” I reassured her that no, I was not going to marry him. But it did remind me that I wasn’t alone on this journey.
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