When You Hate the Woman Your Son Married

And there was more, lots more. My friend’s daughter-in-law is very close to her own mom — a woman of some means who takes this daughter and her siblings, their spouses and kids on cruise vacations to the Caribbean and even once took them to London. “And she times it when the kids are out of school — the holidays! — so I don’t even get to see my son for Christmas or Easter.”

Once the genie got out of the bottle, there was no stopping my friend’s litany of complaints.

“Do you remember what we went through when they were planning their wedding? All the guests were from her side. She didn’t let us invite our cousins or our good friends — even when I offered to pay!”

If I recall correctly, it was a destination wedding intentionally planned for primarily the couple’s friends and immediate families. And instead of gifts, the couple asked for cash for their house-buying fund. They had been living together for a few years and truly had no interest in acquiring more stuff that they didn’t need. “They want money!” my friend exclaimed. “They both work and have good jobs, so maybe she should learn to save up for a house.”

Sometimes, people just need to vent. Still, I wondered, does this situation have an exit — like a path leading to a happier ending — or is it a fait accompli that can’t be turned around? I asked for guidance from relationship expert Elizabeth Overstreet, author of Love Can Be Messy But You Don’t Have to Be.

Overstreet began by quoting that old saying, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar,” and added, “Hate is [such] a strong word. If the mother-in-law is starting from this position, it will be difficult for her to build a bridge with her daughter-in-law, who is officially part of her family and a key person in her son’s life.”

Overstreet urged my friend to ask herself these questions:

Will the things you dislike or hate matter in five years? Sometimes putting into context the things we don’t like about someone and assigning them a time period can help us determine if these things are as big of a deal as we are making them out to be.

Is this about control? Mothers-in-law often sit in a matriarchal position. Having a new daughter-in-law can challenge this. It shifts the dynamics of your relationship with your son because his wife now has some influence in ways that may be new and uncomfortable for the mother.

How did you and your own mother-in-law work things out? Remembering how you felt as the new daughter-in-law can help you operate from a position of emotional maturity and understanding, and to be the one to help build the bridge with your daughter-in-law to bring and keep the family together.

Do you really know your daughter-in-law? Being the mother-in-law, you are in a distinct position because you understand your son, and this may help you gain a better understanding of his wife. Your son likely has more insight into his wife and an understanding of who she is, while you may only be getting glimpses of who she is.

It’s easy to have misunderstandings and misgivings about someone with limited information. Maybe, as the mother-in-law, you could leverage these insights via her son to gain a better way of understanding what you may be missing or misunderstanding about your daughter-in-law. Make sure your son is open to feedback if this is the avenue you seek.

How is your approach to mending fences working for you? Broaching the topics of dislike with your daughter-in-law requires empathy, active listening and nonjudgmental language. Expressing concerns, emphasizing love and support, and acknowledging her perspective can help you to change this into a more tenable relationship and keep the door open for you two to move forward, especially as you potentially have grandchildren in the future.

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.