How I’m Trying to Keep My Man’s Ego Up When He Can No Longer Keep It Up

It troubles my husband — who oozes sexuality — that he now has to rely on pills

Anonymous,

AARP

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Published December 04, 2024

image of couple hugging on top of a blue pill and pink background

Laura Liedo

Welcome to Ethels Tell All, where the writers behind The Ethel newsletter share their personal stories related to the joys and challenges of aging. Come back each Wednesday for the latest piece, exclusively on AARP Members Edition.

The first time I met my future husband — at a friend’s Super Bowl party — I knew: This is a man who likes sex.

He oozed a certain sensuality. The way he focused on me made me feel like I was even more exciting than the Buffalo Bills.

Within three weeks we were together. And together. And together. And together.

We’re each other’s second marriage, and 35 years later, he still manages to look at my 71-year-old breasts like he’s a teenager and I’m the naughty cheerleader.

So, yes — the sex has been excellent.

Lately, though, there’s been a bit of a bump in the proceedings. The love’s there. The desire’s there. It’s the mechanics that aren’t pulling their weight anymore.

We can’t point fingers at diabetes, heart disease or prostate problems; medical issues that can cause a formerly frisky friend to defrisk. In this case, the culprit seems to be Father Time. My husband is 77. And, yes, we all know that at this stage of life, things happen. Or … don’t happen.

I can still rely on a vibrator — or that loving 77-year-old of mine. But for him? Not only is one of his all-time favorite activities on the blink, but his ego is also hurting. We grew up in a time and culture that revered chest-pounding he-men. His cultural references land somewhere after caveman and before metrosexual. He expects himself to perform.

When originally faced with the can’t-quite-get-it-up dilemma, I researched how to handle erectile dysfunction. I asked ChatGPT, the modern way to learn about an age-old problem. Faster than a premature ejaculation, up came several options, most of which, I’m sure, will never be considered options in our household. Things like penile suppositories and vacuum erection devices. What has helped, and what we have incorporated into our foreplay, is oral medication.

Viagra (a far more manly moniker than its generic name: sildenafil — which sounds like an Austrian folk dance) has indeed lived up to its hype. The words “rock hard” or “long-lasting” may not figure into the equation, but those little blue pills make it possible to access the port of entry and enjoy the ride.

Here’s the catch: It still troubles my husband’s ego that he needs a pill. Modern science has yet to come up with a self-image drug. The good news? There are things you can say or do that help. Here’s my personally tested playbook for pumping up a male ego:

Let your fingers do the talking

Massage used to be something we did only now and then. Now it’s a regular part of our trysts, a way to be close and — best of all — relax. Taking away the anxiety of will-it-work can help things work. I might not be much of a masseuse for long — I have arthritis in both hands (thanks again, Father Time!) — but there’s a tender intimacy to touching, stroking, smoothing and luxuriating in our aging, but still beloved, bodies. Massages also offer up some fun opportunities for bawdy role-playing, like when that professional masseuse acts in a very unprofessional manner. Rub-a-dub-dub, baby!

Build up other talents

I’m married to a man who makes an amazing roast chicken; never forgets to check the windshield washer fluid for the car; dances like a regular Gene Kelly; and is the most adored grandfather in the history of grandparents. I talk up these stellar traits — among his oh-so-many — to make sure he knows he’s way more than just a penis.

Amp up the daily affection

Kiss. A lot. Say I love you. A lot. Pat a butt. Add a hug. Maybe you’ve never had a touchy-feely, verbally romantic relationship; maybe most of your emotional connection took place in the bedroom. It might feel awkward or even self-conscious to move the action to daily interactions, but don’t underestimate how much reassurance you’ll serve up with a surprise embrace or a sweet lick on an earlobe. Right there. In the middle of the kitchen. Or go wild — out in public.

Perspective, perspective, perspective

Despite it being the most personal of concerns, remind him that it’s not personal. Yes, that might sound simplistic, but sometimes it’s important to remember that you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just a side effect of living a good long life.

Let other people do the work

A lower libido has its uses. Rewatch 9½ Weeks or Fifty Shades of Grey or The Bridges of Madison County and ask yourselves: Do we really want to be having sex on kitchen tables anymore? Then share a good laugh and a bottle of wine.