My Husband Can Only Get an Erection with Oral Sex

When it's time for penetration, things go ... south

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published November 14, 2024

Kiersten Essenpreis

We receive a lot of poignant reader questions, and this one is high stakes: a loving couple whose sexual roadblock threatens to derail their entire relationship.

Our experts offer insights into what it may take to help them move forward.

My husband can get an erection orally but he gets soft when it’s time to penetrate me. What could be the problem and how can we fix it? He’s 58 and I’m 69 and we haven’t had good sex in a really long time and it’s affecting our whole life now.

What you describe is not uncommon, according to sex and relationship coach Gretchen Shanks. The issue could be physiological or psychological — and that, she says, is what you need to unpack. Here’s how.

Rule out any medical problems. Step one is to consult a urologist to make sure your husband doesn’t have a medical condition that is impacting his sexual function, says Dock G. Winston, assistant physician-in-chief at Mid-Atlantic Permanente Medical Group in Washington, D.C.

Issues that can make erections unreliable include erectile dysfunction, high blood pressure, diabetes, tobacco and alcohol use, and stress. Winston says he should also get his testosterone level checked. Low testosterone, which can be easily treated, can affect libido and sexual energy, he adds.

That your husband can get erect orally is actually a good sign, says Winston. "It doesn’t indicate total erectile dysfunction." And, if his erection isn’t as hard as you’d like it to be, Winston suggests exploring medical options like Viagra or Cialis.

An oral turn-on. We all have drivers that turn us on, Shanks says, and your husband’s is receiving oral. "There could be something about oral that really gets him going. Somehow, the turn-on doesn’t translate when he goes to penetration," she says, adding that the next step is to dig into the "why."

For some men, Shanks says, receiving oral can be a power play. "You’re submitting to me. You’re worshiping my (penis)," she notes.

Or, on the flip side, says Shanks, maybe your husband is insecure about pleasuring you.

Sexuality educator Jane Fleishman says your husband's preference for oral sex could also be that it's less anxiety-producing for him than penetration. She suggests (after you rule out a possible medical condition) that you get couples counseling with a certified sex therapist to help unlock what’s going on psychologically.

Keep the sex hot. To help your husband stay erect, Shanks says to have a discussion about what the transition from oral to vaginal penetration might look like.

"Maybe you manually stimulate him as he prepares to penetrate you," she says, or consider using a cock ring that vibrates to keep him stimulated during penetration.

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Do some research. Find out what it is specifically about oral that excites him, Shanks adds. For example, "Is it the wetness?" she wonders.

If so, you can work with that. Shanks says to lube his penis, your clitoris and vagina to keep things lubricated. "If you’re not getting as lubed vaginally, it could have an impact," says Winston, a urologist.

Focus on foreplay. Spending more time on foreplay can help build arousal and anticipation, according to Winston. "Start with things you know he enjoys, like oral or manual stimulation, and then transition to vaginal play when he's already very turned on."

Switch up your moves. Different positions during intercourse can create new sensations, so experimenting with various angles and movements could be a gamechanger, Winston says. Positions that allow for deeper penetration — like missionary with legs raised or doggy-style — can help intensify sensation, he adds.

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Experiment with pace. Some people respond more intensely to a particular rhythm and depth, Winston says. "Try changing things up by moving more slowly, speeding up, or adjusting how deep the penetration is," he adds. "You can even ask him if there is a rhythm or speed he prefers."

Focus on sensations. Winston also suggests asking your husband what sensations he enjoys most or if there's anything specific he'd like to try. "He may have preferences or ideas that can help guide you both toward a more pleasurable experience," he says.

Redefine penetration. Shanks says penetration doesn’t always have to involve a penis. As an example, he can penetrate you with his fingers or a dildo and strap-on.

Talk to each other. A sex drought like yours can lead to feelings of hurt, loss, rejection and frustration, says Fleishman.

“I’ve had couples tell me it feels like there’s a canyon between them and they’re not sure how to get back across to each other without falling in,” she says.

Fleishman suggests talking through some of the difficult issues that have upended, as you put it, "our whole life." Among the questions she recommends you consider:

What does intimacy mean to you at this age?
What feels good on your body and what doesn’t?
Next time we're intimate, what about taking penetration off the table and focusing on other sexual pleasures?

Most importantly, Winston says, remember that your journey is about exploring and enjoying each other. "Sometimes it takes a little bit of trial and error to find out what works best for you both – and that's perfectly OK," he says.

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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