AARP Hearing Center
Have you ever deleted a flirtatious text you didn’t want your partner to see or secretly hung out with an ex? Micro-cheating, as the Urban Dictionary parses it, consists of “small acts” considered disloyal within a relationship — nothing too serious, but not innocent either.
Is it ever OK? Our experts weigh in on this tricky topic — starting with the term itself.
I saw my husband’s phone light up with a somewhat flirty text from a colleague that he has an occasional after-work drink with. We have a solid relationship, but I feel like an emotional boundary has been crossed. I told a friend about it and she called it micro-cheating. Should I be worried?
Micro-cheating is a new term for age-old behavior, says sexuality educator Susan Milstein — and she doesn’t love it. “It gives people too much latitude,” she says. “It’s a way of saying ‘I did something wrong but not completely wrong.’”
And yes, when micro-cheating happens, there is cause for concern, says Milstein, who is co-host of podcast Unzipping Taboos: Candid Conversations About Sex. But before you jump to conclusions, she urges you to get the backstory first.
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“If it’s a flirty text and you don’t have context, it can feel like a violation - especially if it’s a third person who is not a trusted friend," says Milstein. But it might not be anything at all, she adds.
Have a conversation. Milstein suggests talking to your husband and telling him how you feel. Maybe start with, “I don’t understand it. Just give me some background, give me some context,” she says.
You can also ask your husband to conduct a self-inventory, says certified sexuality educator and sex therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson. Start a conversation about what the colleague means to him, Harris-Jackson says. “If your husband feels: ‘This is just my work wife’ — talk openly about what that relationship is.”
It also opens up a space for him to bring up feelings about your relationship, adds Harris-Jackson. “It’s a chance for him to say: ‘I don’t feel like we’re connecting as much as we used to.’”
Set clear relationship boundaries. Most couples don’t talk about what counts as cheating until something happens, according to Milstein.
She says to consider this an opportunity to have that discussion, starting with what constitutes physical cheating. You can ask each other questions like: If you touch another person, is that OK? And what kind of touching? Hugging? Kissing?
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