The Other Ways to Find Sexual Pleasure

Penetration isn't always an option. Here's what else you can try

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published November 07, 2024

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For a lot of us, penetrative sex has long been the gold standard. But what happens when intercourse no longer works for you? Glad you asked.

This week our sexuality experts explain the ins and outs of the aptly named outercourse, a sexual smorgasbord that can transport you to dizzying new heights.

I am unable to have sexual intercourse due to physical limitations. Please advise on how my partner and I can pleasure one another with outercourse.

Outercourse — I love that word, and so do our specialists. As sexuality educator Jane Fleishman puts it, outercourse is about opening yourself up to a new way of thinking.

"We have to expand our minds beyond intercourse and orgasm to understand that we can still be sexually aroused and pleasured at any age and with any physical illness or limitation," says Fleishman, who has a Ph.D. in human sexuality. With that kind of mental adjustment, Fleishman says, sex can be a lifelong part of your relationship.

Here’s how to get there.

Throw out old scripts. Redefine what it means to be sexual with your partner, says Katherine McLaughlin, CEO of Elevatus Training, an organization that teaches sexuality education to people with developmental and intellectual disabilities. "It's not bad or worse. It's just different," McLaughlin says.

Dating and relationship coach Gretchen Shanks says it’s important to be clear that sexual pleasure should not be defined by a hard penis. As she puts it: "We have an unfortunate tendency in this culture to think that sex happens when a penis gets hard and penetrates something."

Taking intercourse out of the mix, Shanks adds, will widen your understanding of what "counts" as sex and can reintroduce some of the sexual tension that a couple often experiences early in a relationship.

Share your feelings with your partner. McLaughlin suggests starting a conversation with something like this:

"Our bodies are changing. It feels like we have to start talking about other ways to pleasure one another. Here are some ideas I have. What are yours?”

Be prepared for this to be a difficult conversation — with either or both partners feeling embarrassed, uncomfortable and vulnerable, she says.

But McLaughlin says to "be brave." Often, she adds, couples feel closer and more connected after discussing the path forward.

Get ready to get creative. Now, for the good stuff. Fleishman suggests starting with something as simple as deep kissing. “Remember what it used to be like as a teenager?” she says. "Well, it still feels good."

Ready to take things a little further? Here are some of her other suggestions:

Oral or manual stimulation of each other’s genitals.
Erotic massage, which includes the genitalia, breasts and butt.
Edging, a technique where you start and stop sexual stimulation — and then start and stop again — to delay orgasm and make sex last longer.
Anal and prostate massage.
Kink. Consider experimenting with handcuffs, soft restraints, nipple clips. "These and other forms of kink can heighten the sense of pleasure," Fleishman says.

McLaughlin also suggests adding sex toys to your playbook — vibrators to stimulate the outside or inside of the vulva; dildos that are placed inside the vagina; and masturbation sleeves that wrap around the penis.

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Set a time limit. Shanks also recommends setting a time limit for your sex play so that one person doesn't become overwhelmed. "It’s easier to do things that might feel a little edgy (for whatever reason) when you know there’s a time limit," adding that it helps you "stay in the experience longer."

Take turns...turning each other on. To heat things up, Shanks suggests sex play that involves taking turns pleasuring one another. One person is the giver, the other the receiver.

The receiver's eyes are closed or blindfolded while the giver uses eyes, hands and mouth to explore their partner’s body. "It can feel really delicious for the receiver to sink into that touch," she says. "It’s easier to do when the eyes aren’t distracted." She says to enhance the experience, remember to breathe and go slowly.

It’s OK to have boundaries. If there’s anything you don’t want to do, Shanks says to make it clear to your partner in advance.

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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