I Can’t Climax During Sex

My husband feels like less of a man because I’m not having an orgasm

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published September 05, 2024

illustration of a woman siting on a firecracker that is not lit

Kiersten Essenpreis

In the movies, a couple thrusts a few times and — kapow — the perfect simultaneous orgasm happens. In real life? Not so much.

This week, two sexual health physicians address a question from a woman who has a tough time climaxing when she has sex with her husband — an experience that is not at all uncommon.

In addition to their own sage advice, I love that our experts also recommend books, an app and a website as resources. When it comes to sex and relationships, there’s always more to learn.

I have a hard time climaxing during lovemaking. The sensations feel good — but there’s often no orgasm. It makes my husband feel less of a man because he can’t please me. Any suggestions?

The first thing you need to know: There’s no such thing as a guaranteed, picture-perfect orgasm every time you have intercourse, according to Anita Mikkilineni, an ob-gyn focused on sexual health at George Washington University Hospital in Washington, D.C.

In fact, she says, numerous studies show that more than 70 percent of women don’t have orgasms vaginally. Most of us experience orgasms through clitoral stimulation. “That’s not a bad thing,” Mikkilineni adds.

So what can you do? Mikkilineni has a couple of questions for you that might help you find the best solution.

First up: Were you able to orgasm before or has this been a lifelong problem?

If you’ve always found it difficult to climax in any way — with your husband or solo — consider using a vibrator during sex play.

More 50+ Sex Advice

As Kate White, professor and chair of ob-gyn at Boston Medical Center and Boston University, puts it: “That can pull an orgasm out of most of us,” adding that “it doesn’t matter how you get there.”

White does acknowledge that using a vibrator can require a “real mind shift” for many people. “You may feel like your body is letting you down if you can’t have an orgasm without battery-operated help.”

Talk to your husband, White adds, to make sure you both feel comfortable with it. With some couples, the man holds the vibrator and figures out what works best for the woman — what angle, what speeds. “It is still him giving her pleasure.”

And question number 2: Can you orgasm on your own or with oral stimulation or with a toy?

If you can orgasm in other conditions but not during intercourse, it could be the sex positions you’re using don’t create enough friction.

“The missionary position is not the best for the person with the clitoris,” White says. “It was not designed for our pleasure.”

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Three positions that White recommends to heighten arousal:

woman on top so that she can shift her hips and body to create friction between the penis and clitoris
woman on her back with legs pulled back — “like when you push a baby out.”
woman on all fours so her partner can stimulate her clitoris while he’s inside her vagina. If he can’t manage that, White suggests that she vaginally stimulate herself with a vibrator or fingers.

Other steps outside of sex play you can take ...

See a doctor. If you can’t orgasm with a vibrator or by changing up your sex positions, White says to consult a gynecologist. “You deserve a thorough exam to make sure everything’s OK,” she adds.

Consider a sex therapist. That your husband feels “less of a man” because he can’t please you is not an invalid concern, according to Mikkilineni. “I hear this in the office quite a bit and I empathize with the distance this can create in a couple,” she says. “Partners do care how a person is feeling in a sexual relationship.” Consider consulting a sex therapist together. “This can be so valuable” in helping you navigate any intimacy issues.

Educate yourself. Among the resources Mikkilineni recommends:

Rosy, an app created by physicians and psychologists for women, offers wide-ranging content on orgasm issues, vaginal health, sexual desire and more.
The OMGYES.com website focuses on women’s sexual pleasure and offers a huge library of instructional videos on topics like clitoral touch, toy techniques and types of orgasms.
White’s top book pick for you is Ian Kerner’s She Comes First, dedicated to the idea that the woman orgasms before the man. And it’s not just being polite.

“After orgasm, your vagina is dilated, longer and you are at your most lubed,” she says. “Your body is more ready for sex after orgasm than before it. It allows for much more comfortable sex.”

Mikkilineni recommends Becoming Cliterate by Laurie Mintz and Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski – which spell out, among other things, how women can improve their sexual function.

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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