Does an Age Gap Matter When it Comes to Good Sex?

A May-December romance has the potential to be hot — just be prepared

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published December 05, 2024

a man and a woman looking at a chemistry beaker with a bed inside

Kiersten Essenpries

I love this question. An older woman turned on by a much younger man. Can their relationship work?

It’s a trending topic right now. Anne Hathaway and Nicole Kidman both star in recent films centered around an older woman/younger man story line. The View devoted an entire segment to it recently. And YouTube is loaded with programming like "10 Reasons Why Younger Men Love Older Women."

Our experts weigh in.

I’m a healthy and active female in my 60s, and I’m thinking about having a sexual relationship with a man in his 30s. We have strong chemistry, but will our age difference make it difficult to have good sex?

Not only can sex with a younger man work — but sexuality educator Susan Milstein says the wisdom and experience you bring to the relationship could make the sex especially hot.

"What an older woman brings to the mix is less game-playing: 'This is who I am. This is what I want,'" says Milstein, podcast co-host of Unzipping Taboos: Candid Conversations About Sex.

But before sliding between the sheets, there are some things to think about.

It’s mostly about attitude. Yes, age might play a factor in sex with a younger partner, but your attitude toward sex matters more, says sexuality educator Jane Fleishman.

Fleishman says she has several friends, women in their 60s and 70s, with much younger partners who are happy to be with a woman who knows what she wants and how to ask for it. "Knowing your body and what you like and don’t like and conveying that body wisdom to a younger partner can be very exciting for them."

How’s your body image? Having sex with a much younger man can bring up body image issues, Fleishman says, including: Am I too fat? Is my skin too mottled? Am I bulging in the wrong places?

Her advice? Honor and be proud of the body you are living in.

Define "good sex." Especially because of your age gap, Milstein recommends talking about what good sex means to each of you — and having that conversation outside of the bedroom.

Among the questions she suggests exploring (and as an added bonus, they are likely to build some sexual tension):

What do you like?
Are there things you don’t want to do?
Are there things you’d be open to experiencing?

"It's a great way of expanding the conversation and finding out what people are comfortable with," she says, adding that you can also do it as a text to make it more casual.

Dating and relationship coach Gretchen Shanks recommends getting flirty and telling him: "I'd love to hear what really turns you on.”

More 50+ Sex Advice

Looking for a sexual or emotional connection — or both? It sounds like you are only interested in a sexual relationship, which Milstein says could be a positive.

"She may be content with who she is, loves her life, her job, her standing," she says. "All she wants is for her sexual needs to be met."

But, Milstein adds, a 30-something man could fulfill other needs — emotional ones. "A younger partner can make us feel invigorated and youthful, which can feel good in a world that wants older women to play a more motherly/grandmotherly role," she says.

Video: Sex and Your Libido

Accept that the age gap might not work. Shanks says there are issues that might hinder a May/December romance, including:

How mature is their outlook about sex?
How skilled are they?

Shanks says she has attempted to have fun, casual, sexual relationships with younger men, but that they weren't satisfying because their sex skills weren’t that developed. As Shanks puts it: "It's not all about pounding. Your idea of good sex may not match his idea of good sex."

Prepare for pushback from others. The age-difference issue is less about sex than what’s considered to be socially acceptable. An older woman dating a much younger man is opposite of what we’re used to seeing, Milstein says — noting that there could be judgment from the people around you.

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

Her advice? "To anyone who has an adverse reaction to [the age gap in your relationship], I would ask them to think about why this is not OK. If we had more women willing to say this is what I want, people in general would be happier."

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