I'm Disappointed My Grandchildren Don’t Thank Me for Birthday Gifts

At the Emily Post Institute, our perspective on gifts and thank yous is that all gifts should be acknowledged. In particular, gifts sent in the mail or opened after the giver has left a gathering, such as a birthday party, are best acknowledged with a thank-you note or a follow-up thank you of some kind (text, phone, video message or email). This has been long-standing advice, whether it’s 1925 or 2024.

Your first instinct might be to bring up the issue to your grandchildren, but you’re better off having a conversation with the parents, especially if the child is about 11 years old or younger. Be careful, though — your tone matters. “Ellen, I’m shocked your kids don’t thank me for the birthday gifts I send them. I raised you better than this” might feel true to you, but it uses blame, extremism and shame to express your feelings, which never leads to a good outcome.

A better tact: “Ellen, is now a good time? I wanted to talk with you about our gifting arrangements for the grandkids.” If your child says yes, you can continue: "I have to admit that I haven’t been feeling good about gift-giving with Kaitlin and Jeremy lately, and I realized that it’s because the kids don’t acknowledge the gifts I send them. I don’t want this to come across as needing tons of thanks and praise. I just want to let you know how much I would appreciate an acknowledgment. At the very least, it lets me know they received the items. Do you think that’s something you could work on with them?”

While you can’t control your child’s reaction, and nothing can guarantee that the thank yous will start coming, this approach is honest about how you feel and makes a request rather than a demand. And it checks the considerate and respectful boxes — a good way to start the conversation. 

If you’re dealing with a pre-teen or teenager, it’s still wise to to let the parents know you’d like to have a conversation with their child. Kids 12 and up are old enough to receive feedback, especially when it’s given constructively and with personal perspective. Avoid a disciplinary tone, or guilt trips and expressions of deep disappointment.

One way to start: “Kaitlin, I wanted to talk to you about something I’ve noticed that isn’t making me feel good. Is now a good time?” (Again, asking first is a sign of respect before a difficult conversation.) If it is a good time, you could continue along these lines: “I love you, and I wanted to let you know that it hurt my feelings and made me a bit concerned to not have you acknowledge the birthday gifts I’ve been sending you. I was hoping that knowing how much it means to me now, you’ll consider writing me a note or giving me a call when I send something in the future.”