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Besties. Buddies. BFFs. Whatever you call your friends, research shows that adult friendships are major sources of health and happiness, capable of reducing stress, depression and loneliness and even helping your physical well-being. And yet, it can be easy to take friendships for granted. Like plants that need water, friendships require nurturing and care in order to flourish. With that in mind, we’ve curated a list of 25 ways to strengthen your platonic relationships. When you’re done, please share your own friendship wisdom in the comments section at the bottom of the page.
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1. Show up regularly
Consistent time together is a fundamental requirement of friendship, says Shasta Nelson, who has written three books on friendship, including Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. In a world of ghosting and flaking, the simple act of showing up on a regular basis can be revelatory. “If you don’t connect very often, then you won’t feel like you really know what’s going on in each other’s lives,” Nelson says. Writer, speaker and lawyer Justin Whitmel Earley, who wrote Made for People: Why We Drift into Loneliness and How to Fight for a Life of Friendship, believes that even a text message establishes the kind of consistent presence that strong friendships demand.
2. Be vulnerable
Healthy friendships require vulnerability because it makes friends feel seen and loved, Nelson says. Speaker and writer Bailey T. Hurley, author of Together is a Beautiful Place: Finding, Keeping and Loving Our Friends, recommends preparing questions and conversation starters to give interactions with friends more depth. “The two base foundations of friendship are trust and emotional support, and you can’t really do either of those without talking about things that really matter,” Hurley says. Earley also suggests you go deeper with what you’re willing to share. “Vulnerability catalyzes vulnerability,” he says. “If you disclose something you’ve been worrying about or something that embarrasses you, people will usually say, ‘I’m so honored you told me that, and I actually have something I’d like to share with you, too.’”
3. Initiate plans
When she was writing her forthcoming book, Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, journalist and author Anna Goldfarb conducted an informal online survey on friendship of a few hundred people. She discovered that what people want most from friends is for them to initiate. “What that tells me is that you can make someone feel really good just by reaching out to them,” Goldfarb says. Nelson agrees. “We associate a friend reaching out to us as evidence that we are a priority in their lives, that they are thinking of us and that they like us,” she explains. “When we feel like they aren’t reaching out to us, we wonder if we matter to them.” The best initiators don’t just initiate contact and communication, but also social plans and get-togethers.
4. Talk, but also listen
In many friendships, there’s a talker and a listener — someone who typically dominates the conversation and someone who usually takes a back seat. In the best friendships, however, everyone takes a turn. According to Nelson, “Both people need to be sharing what’s going on in their life. If you’re the talker … the only way [your friends] are going to feel close to you is if you start giving them more space to talk. That means becoming comfortable with quiet pauses, learning to actively listen without interrupting and asking follow-up questions. If you’re the listener … you, too, deserve to be heard and seen. Maybe think through ahead of time what you want to be sure to share [and] look for opportunities to be brave and say, ‘Hey I wanted to be sure to tell you about …’”
5. Have more fun
Simply put, friends should have fun together. “All too often, we are in relationships that are low in positivity. There is a lack of enjoyment, fun and laughter,” Nelson says. “It might be time to look and see how the pattern of complaining [when you’re together] can be shifted, or how you two might find something fun to do together again, or explore ways to bring more inspiration into your time together. The best relationships are those that have so much positive emotions that we truly enjoy being together.”
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6. Show gratitude
Friends want to be appreciated, says writer, director and producer Rachel Winter, coauthor of Stay Golden, Girls: Friendship is the New Marriage, which she wrote with her longtime friend Rachel Steinman, a writer, teacher and mental health advocate. “It’s so important to express gratitude to your friends for being in your life. Tell them that you care about them in any way that you can,” urges Winter, who says gratitude is most impactful when it’s specific — that is, when you thank friends for specific things they’ve done or for specific traits they have. Gratitude is especially important during periods of absence. When life gets busy, Hurley recommends making a quick phone call to tell friends you appreciate them and look forward to seeing them soon. “It’s letting people know that you cherish the friendship,” she says.
7. Don’t give unsolicited advice
Often, one friend dominates the other, says Goldfarb, who points to those who give unsolicited advice. For example, telling a stressed-out friend that they should try yoga, that they should see your massage therapist or that they should change their diet because it worked for you. “That’s just oppressive,” Goldfarb says. “People don’t want to be dominated like that … It feels like, ‘I know your life better than you.’” Instead of advice, what friends often want when they share their struggles or worries is validation. “Most of our life stressors don’t need immediate fixing. They just need someone to witness them and tell us we’re OK to be feeling what we’re feeling,” Nelson says. “When someone can say things like ‘I know that feeling’ … we feel seen and accepted.”
8. Embrace conflict — and forgiveness
Friends fight. If you handle them with grace and empathy, arguments that might otherwise weaken friendships can actually strengthen them, says writer and performer Jezz Chung, author of This Way to Change: A Gentle Guide to Personal Transformation and Collective Liberation. “Speaking up about something that bothers me — while also growing my tolerance for occasional disappointment — helps me learn more about myself and the person I’m in a relationship with,” they say. To make conflict productive, address it immediately, advises journalist and publisher Will Schwalbe, author of the friendship memoir We Should Not Be Friends: The Story of a Friendship, who says collecting grievances is toxic to friendship. “One of the rules I have with my friends is: If I’m irritated with you, you’ll know within 30 seconds,” he says, adding that quick forgiveness is just as important as quick confrontation.
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