AARP Hearing Center
Couples can sometimes neglect the intimate side of their relationship when one partner becomes caregiver to the other. It's a challenge to maintain romance — that crucial sexual, sensual or emotional connection — when one of you is focused on caregiving tasks and the other is struggling with health issues.
Caregivers may worry that physical affection will hurt their loved one or that they won't be in the mood for even kissing or snuggling, much less sexual intercourse, says Carly O'Brien, caregiver program coordinator at the nonprofit CancerCare. "A lot of caregivers feel quite selfish that intimacy is even on their minds, given all that's going on with their partner." (Dementia brings up particularly sensitive issues when it comes to sexuality; see specific advice for dementia caregivers at the end of this story.)
But taking time for intimacy can be an invaluable source of comfort for both partners when they're facing a health crisis or managing a chronic illness. A few tips:
1. Talk openly to each other. It's natural to want to avoid awkward or sensitive subjects, but try to push through your discomfort and be honest with your partner about your needs and desires, and how caregiving is affecting both. That kind of sharing, O'Brien says, "plays a big role in terms of intimacy preservation."
2. Consider talking to a psychologist or social worker. This can be especially helpful if you want to work through your feelings without fearing judgment or are not yet sure how to broach the subject with your loved one. "You can sort of play out ways to communicate," O'Brien says. Caregiver support groups can also be a good place to vent frustrations and feel less alone. You're likely to find plenty of others who share your concerns.
3. Manage your expectations. Understand that fatigue is real, side effects are real, and — especially when cancer or certain other serious medical ailments or treatments are involved — decreased libido is real. So your sex life might not be like it was, but that doesn't mean it has to be nonexistent, says O'Brien. "We sometimes devalue things like hugging or holding hands, saying 'I love you,' saying how beautiful someone looks in a certain light — those are really the building blocks of intimacy."
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