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Becky’s strong-willed grandmother, Patricia, steadfastly refused help from all family members — except from Becky. Her oldest grandchild, 26, had always been her favorite, and she still responded tenderly to her even as she reacted sourly to her own son and daughter, Becky’s mom. Only Becky received a big smile whenever she visited Patricia’s small apartment. Only Becky could convince her to take all her medications. Only Becky could cajole her to regularly use her walker and bathe.
Becky felt privileged — and burdened — by her special role. She loved her grandmother and enjoyed spending time with her. But she felt guilty, as if she were complicit, whenever Patricia rebuffed her mother’s pleas to consider hiring help. And she felt strained by the pressures of running errands for her grandmother and working a demanding full-time job. As the juggling became harder for her, she turned to her mother and uncle for help. The coolness of their responses spoke volumes. She realized they were envious that she got the best of their mother while they were dismissively held at arm's length.
As a large segment of millennial caregivers, caregiving granddaughters such as Becky are becoming more common. In many ways, they represent one of the most joyous and loving aspects of family life — a reaching across the generations to nurture one another. But granddaughter caregivers also have an ambiguous role. They can be helpful and persuasive but are not generally accorded the respect or authority of spouses or adult children by other family members. They are also often at a point in their own personal development when they expect to be focusing on their own growth, not an older relative’s decline. And, as in Becky’s case, they can be regarded by other family members with ambivalence.
