Can Couples in May-December Relationships Make It Work?

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch just married Elena Zhukova, who is 26 years his junior. Experts weigh in on whether age difference matters.

Robin L. Flanigan,

AARP

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En español

Published March 30, 2023

/ Updated June 04, 2024

Al Pacino and Noor Alfallah, Cher and Alexander Edwards, Rupert Murdoch and Elena Zhukova, Marc Anthony and Nadia Ferreira

From left, Noor Alfallah and Al Pacino; Alexander Edwards and Cher; Elena Zhukova and Rupert Murdoch; Nadia Ferreira and Marc Anthony.

Source: Getty Images (3); Associated Press

When it comes to May-December pairings — those relationships with a considerable age difference — the cliché is an older man with a much younger woman. But these days, that type of coupling is an equal-opportunity adventure.

On June 1, after a three-month engagement, 93-year-old media magnate Rupert Murdoch married his fifth wife, 67-year-old retired molecular biologist Elena Zhukova. The 26-year age gap doesn't come close to the 37-year age gap he shared with his third wife, whom he divorced in 2013.

These types of unions, especially among the famous, aren’t all that unusual. Actor Al Pacino, 83, and girlfriend Noor Alfallah, 30, have a 53 year age difference — and welcomed a child together in June 2023. Singer Marc Anthony, 55, entered his fourth marriage to model Nadia Ferreira, 25, in 2023. And of course, there's the 78-year-old "If I could Turn Back Time" singer Cher, who has been in the spotlight with her 37-year-old boyfriend, music executive Alexander Edwards, since taking their relationship public in November 2022.

A 2022 Ipsos poll conducted on behalf of Cougar Life, a dating site for women looking to date younger men, found that many of those surveyed see more benefits than challenges to dating or marrying someone with a 10+ year age gap. And dating site Bumble predicts an upswing in cross-generational relationships over the next year, according to it's 2024 dating trends forecast.

Even so, “relationships with large age gaps can absolutely work,” says Michael Webb, 56, founder of TheRomantic.com, a site aimed at helping couples infuse more romance in their relationships.

“Their ability to last ‘happily ever after’ is usually based on the same markers of ‘traditional’ relationships: shared goals,good communication, deep friendship and the ‘spark’ you find in one another,” he adds.

Happily married, with a 32-year age difference

carrie forrest age forty eight and alan seidner age eighty have been married twenty five years

Alan Seidner and Carrie Forrest have been married for nearly 20 years.

Photo by Amy Wellenkamp

Alan Seidner, 82, and Carrie Forrest, 49, have been together 26 years and married for nearly 21 of them.

They hit it off over the phone while planning a work-related event, and knew upon meeting that they wanted to keep getting to know each other better. Seidner, who was dating after splitting from his wife of three decades about a year earlier, disliked that so many women his age had negative relationships with their children or were caring for aging parents and didn’t have time for a relationship. Forrest, meanwhile, had trouble finding men her age who were interested in settling down.

Once they were officially a couple, Forrest was worried about what other people would think and hid their relationship from her family for three years. Seidner, who respected that decision, paid no mind to outside opinions. The pair, who live in Pismo Beach, California, say their lives are enriched by each other’s perspectives.

But they knew the age difference would present challenges, and the couple handled tough topics early on. Seidner got long-term care insurance and made end-of-life decisions known to help with aging challenges. Forrest decided to focus on graduate school and started her own business instead of having children; Seidner had two grown daughters and, while he was open to being a father again, he did not particularly relish that idea.

They’re not as open with public displays of affection as they would be with partners closer in age because of the attention it has attracted. But they’ve been open online about their relationship through articles, videos and podcasts on their Age Gap Love Story website, which they hope brings a sense of community to those in relationships with large age differences.

“I don’t think the issues are any bigger than with other couples who have differences with religion, ethnicities or life circumstances,” Seidner says. “I’d tell others in our situation to go with your heart and be prudent.”

Pursue age-gap relationships with ‘eyes wide open’

People make a lot of assumptions when it comes to May-December unions, according to Love McPherson, a relationship expert in Frankfurt, Illinois.

McPherson, 63, explains that if the woman is older, she’s seen as a cougar trying to recapture her youth; if she’s younger, she’s either a gold digger or looking for a father figure. If the man is older, he’s having a midlife crisis or is too immature to relate to women his own age; if he’s younger, he’s either a gold digger or looking for somebody to take care of him.

However, when it comes to any relationship, age doesn’t make or break its success, McPherson says. It’s all about satisfaction. That’s why it’s important to have conversations early on about topics such as how erectile dysfunction may affect intimacy or how to recognize the symptoms of menopause, and to be sure there’s respect and not contempt for the differences in perspectives that are sure to crop up.

“Walk in with your eyes wide open, understanding what the possibilities are over the long term,” McPherson says. “And then talk about them. When you’re able to communicate openly and honestly, that’s everything.”

If you’re in, or contemplating, an age-gap relationship, Webb suggests asking yourself these questions: “What is left in the relationship when the excitement fades? Could the intimacy you feel really be lust? The financial security you seek really be greed? Is the excitement you feel really just snubbing your nose at the status quo?”

A typical added pressure is how family, friends and others perceive the relationship. In fact, Seidner and Forrest say judgment from family members is the issue age-gap couples face most.

“You should absolutely listen to friends and family who might raise red flags about your age-gap relationship,” Webb advises. “Love is not only blind, but it can cause a lot of misery if one of you is in a relationship with wrong intentions.”

‘Love doesn’t know math’

Lisa Carley, 53, of Alameda, California, says the age gap with her 37-year-old boyfriend, Chris, comes up when they have a disagreement.

“Because I have more life experience, have been married and am a parent, I sometimes dismiss his point of view — unfairly — because he hasn’t had these milestones that really impacted and shaped me immensely,” she says.

“But over time we’ve found more of an equal footing. He is more confident, asserting his opinions and pushing back on me. This has strengthened our relationship significantly.”

They have fun with the fact that Carley prefers to listen to rappers Post Malone and NF, while her partner favors the music of Frank Sinatra and Elvis.

Some of Carley’s friends have cautioned her against getting too invested in a younger man who may only want to “play around.” She’s not concerned, given that she no longer is interested in marriage or even monogamy.

“What I think people may not understand is that the very nature of partnership is changing,” she says. “Many people are questioning old paradigms while experimenting with new models.”

Forrest says that she and Seidner believe any age-gap relationship is valid “as long is each person is a consenting adult.”

Cher put it this way in a social media post in November 2022: “Love doesn’t know math.”

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