With Gray Divorce on the Rise, Who Gets the Dog?

Flexibility with the arrangement is key 

The former couple worked with a mediator to draw up a short, eight-part agreement spelling out expectations regarding food, medical care, day care and other details of their dog’s care. If an issue arises, says Mark, adjustments can be made to the agreement to keep Willy’s best interests in mind.

That kind of flexibility is key, says Pannella, adding that if people aren’t going to be willing to work through things, the arrangement’s probably not going to work.

Be ready for some emotionally charged decisions 

Many aspects of the agreement can become difficult — deciding how far, either in terms of time or financially, to go with medical treatment, for example. And then there is euthanasia — who gets to be there and what happens if both partners don’t agree it’s time to let go?

There are questions about responsibility too.

One of Pannella’s clients asked, “If our dog bites your new girlfriend, who is legally responsible for that?”

Among the terms Terra and Mark agreed on: Neither will withhold access to Willy without due cause. They’ll collaborate to provide primary care for Willy in the event of his illness or injury. If one of them travels, the other will take over Willy’s care — and will not pass on that care to an unapproved third party. 

It’s good to be prepared with a pup-nup if you can

Pannella suggests being proactive with a pet custody agreement — known colloquially as a pup-nup — before you marry. Just like you would for finances or children.

And definitely use a professional, she says. Otherwise, “a lot of details can get left out or be misinterpreted by the couple that later cause legal issues.”

Keep in mind it’s a transition for your pet too 

Not all pets fare well going back and forth between residences, so monitor yours for any unusual or concerning reactions.

“Behavior issues can be just as serious as medical issues,” says Angelica Dimock, a veterinarian in Minneapolis.

According to Dimock, mild negative behaviors may include being grumpy or refusing to follow commands, getting into the trash, chewing on things, not wanting to eat normally, or going to the bathroom inside the house. These behaviors can worsen, escalating into separation anxiety, destroying furniture or parts of the house, and aggression toward humans or other animals.

To avoid confusion for your pet, try to instill the same rules and lean toward longer versus shorter stays at each household, recommends Dimock.

Dimock notes that some kinds of pets have a more difficult time with transitions. She suggests that hamsters and other pets that live in cages will feel safer if they have the same setup wherever they are — for snakes, that includes the same temperature, humidity and lighting. The same food is particularly important for rabbits and ferrets to avoid gastrointestinal problems, given their sensitive stomachs. 

And bird sharing might be out completely, says Dimock, adding that birds are high-stress animals. “They like their schedule … and when they get stressed, they will stop eating, they will pluck all their feathers out of their body. A month here and a month there probably wouldn’t be the greatest thing for them.”

Pet co-parenting doesn’t have to be about a breakup

Pannella has a number of clients who share a pet custody agreement but have never been intimate partners. They simply desire the companionship of a pet but also want to travel. 

This is more common with snowbirds, she says. Someone who spends summers in Ohio, for instance, may relinquish primary care of a pet to a friend while spending winters in Florida.

And keep in mind that a break from caretaking can be a good thing.

Terra misses Willy terribly when he’s not around, “but at the same time,” she says, “it’s like, Whew, I can sleep to my alarm without this sweet dog tap dancing on me to get up.”