5 Ways to Support Your College Student — Without Being a Helicopter Parent

If you haven’t discussed expectations regarding grades, you should have a conversation with them about it. Encourage them to use the resources available on campus such as learning centers or meet with a professor during office hours. If they keep having trouble, it’s OK to ask if they need to take a break from college or transfer, Naumburg says. “That particular college might be the wrong match. I transferred.”

Situation: Your child doesn’t get along with their roommate.

How to handle it: Even though you may be tempted to call the roommate or resident assistant (RA), try not to. “We want our college students to be able to understand how to handle conflict and how to try to problem-solve these [situations] on their own,” Pope says.

She suggests listening to them, letting them vent, then saying, “I hear you. That must be really hard.” Then you can ask them, “How do you think you can solve this problem?” You can offer to roleplay on how to speak with their roommate about the conflict. Or suggest that they speak with their RA. “This is exactly the role that an RA should play, instead of the parent coming in solving the problem,” Pope says.

Situation: Your child has cockroaches in their dorm room.

How to handle it: If your child is experiencing a health or safety issue and attempted to fill out a work order or contact the RA, it may be necessary for you to email or call the administration.

“It is legitimate to say, ‘This has to be taken care of. This can’t be ignored,’ ” says Brad Sachs, a psychologist and author of the book The Good Enough Teen. He says an 18-year-old might not know the proper language needed to get a response. Administration might be more willing to respond to a parent who is paying the bills.

Situation: Your child is out on the town at 3 a.m.

How to handle it: If you track your child’s phone, you might see that they are at a bar or party at 3 a.m.

“Do you really want to know your kids at all times? Do you? Does your kid want you to know?” Pope says. She explains that it is a normal developmental stage for teenagers to stay out late at night socializing with their friends in college. “It might be time to try untethering by untracking,” she says.

Situation: Your homesick child calls you crying every day.

How to handle it: “What a lot of parents might be tempted to do is book a flight, show up, swoop in and rescue [them] like a helicopter, right?” Pope says. She urges parents not to do that.

Or parents might go the other way and minimize their feelings, Sachs says.

If the child is new to college, it’s important to help your kid understand that adjusting to their living situation is not going to happen overnight. “Transition takes time,” Pope says.

Sachs suggests encouraging them to get involved in school activities as a way to help them feel a part of the community and lean into their new home environment.

What’s important, whatever their situation, is to figure out their emotional state, Pope says. “How much are they just doing this to vent?” she says. If they’re not in a crisis state, then as a parent, you can be supportive instead of rescuing them.

Of course, if they are in a crisis state, it’s OK to contact mental health services or the parent liaison at their college, Pope says.  

The bottom line? In most cases, listen to your child and help them figure out ways to problem-solve without you getting involved. But it is also your job to keep them safe, Pope says, so sometimes you do need to intervene.