AARP Hearing Center
ILLUSTRATION BY ADAM SIMPSON
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In a recent interview with George Mannes, a senior editor at AARP The Magazine, financial coach Tammy Lally offered practical advice on how to make difficult family talks go better.
Q: Let's say a grown child, nephew or niece calls asking for money. What do I do?
A: Pause. Don't make a decision. Say, “Let me think that through and get back to you.” Put down the phone. A lot of times the person calling builds the story, and it's normally a catastrophe. And the family member gets plugged into the hardship — gets hijacked and stops thinking logically. So he or she might say [angrily], “What do you mean, you need money?” Or might say [in a panic], “What do you need? What do you need? All right, I'll send you the money!"
But what you have to do is take a step back from it. Ask yourself, What's my motive for giving — or denying — the money? And then, What's the motive behind that motive? And, What's the motive behind that motive?
Q: Give an example.
A: Am I doing it out of guilt? Maybe this is my nephew, and my brother wasn't a good teacher about money. And this person is struggling and I feel guilty. If that's why I'm doing it, I might ask myself, OK, am I causing more harm to my nephew by giving him the money?
Also, ask some questions to see what's really happening in the person's life. Start with, “I'm curious. How's your job? What's happening with you? What are your expenses?” It's having a conversation versus a reaction. There's a difference.
Q: What next?
A: You let the person talk. You can hear right away if a story is grounded in truth or in a bad pattern. You might say, “I'm willing to help you if you can't get up and get to work. Is there an illness? Is there a mental health crisis? But I'm not willing to keep throwing money at this when you're just out there doing whatever you want to do and not even examining what you're doing."
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