Inheritance Etiquette: Talking Things Out

Q: And inheritance falls into that category?

A: There's not a good blueprint for handling inheritance. Talking to people who deal in estate planning can give you pointers, professional and legal advice. But it does get tricky because family members forget to communicate. I think that's the big problem.

Q: You've said how awkward this issue can be. What's the best way to start the conversation?

A: Every situation is different. Do some one-on-one talks first, perhaps among siblings, or the parents with each child. But it's also good to get everyone together whenever possible, to make sure everything's out on the table and everyone is on the same wavelength. Even if families don't live close to each other, you can do a video (phone) call on FaceTime or Skype, or at the very least do a conference phone call. It's really good to talk individually and as a group.

Q: For people who are starting to think about handing things down, is age or birth order important? Should the oldest child or grandchild have first choice, or be given the most valuable items?

A: No. That wouldn't be fair to everyone else. Now if everyone agrees to let the oldest one go first, then that's fine. But most professionals will advise to do some type of a draw. Let's say there are four siblings, they could draw names or numbers out of a hat. So the oldest might very well choose fourth.

Q: Is it OK to decline an item you've received if you know you won't use it?

A: If the person has already died, you can certainly inform others in the family that it's not something you would use and you're not interested. It's tricky when the person is still alive and wants to give you something. The answer depends upon the relationship and whether it would hurt the person's feelings.

Q: Should siblings who have shouldered more of the caregiving load expect a healthier gift?

A: It can be a factor, as long as everyone agrees. The scale might be tipped toward one person. That works as long as the others aren't resentful.

Q: What if you've been given something you won't use? Can you give it to someone else? Sell it?

A: If it's a really special family heirloom and other family members would be crushed to have that sold, then I wouldn't do that. If it's just something that you know you can't use but someone else would really like to have it — if you're not going to upset everyone else — then you can give it to that person. Some people do sell items, and that's fine if it's not going to be upsetting to the family.

Q: If you have your eye on a certain item, is it rude to ask for it?

A: Generally, you don't ask. If you're really close you may say to a parent, for example, "If nobody else wants it, or you really don't know what you want to do with that great desk, then I'd love to have it." But again, only if it's not going to seem that you're being selfish or inconsiderate of other family members.

Q: When dividing up items, how do you balance monetary versus sentimental value?

A: It is really important to try to balance out the monetary value. You want to make it fair. Get a professional appraisal of jewelry, rare books, paintings or other valuable items before you decide how to divide them. Sentimental value is a little bit harder to gauge, but I think you can even it out. Everybody has their favorite sentimental things. Maybe there's enough to go around for every person, or maybe you have a drawing for them.

Q: So for the giver, being specific about your wishes can help avoid discord among family members.

A: Leaving specific directions is a really forward-thinking thing to do, and it's great when it works out like that. Not everybody plans ahead or wants to think about that. But the fewer question marks at the end, the better for everybody.

Austin O'Connor writes on lifestyle and entertainment topics for AARP Media.