How to Revive Friendships Interrupted by the Pandemic

Mazeikas called a few people, starting with a “Hey, how are you doing?” Sometimes the conversation took off from there. If it didn't, she’d follow with, “Let’s get together” or “Can I drop off some homemade cookies?” Delivering cookies once led to an invitation inside and an hour-long visit.

“Just a little foot in the door was all it was for me,” she adds. “But it was hard.”

Part of the difficulty came from making herself vulnerable, especially after what she had been through over the past year. In that time, Mazeikas grieved the deaths of 12 people—those lost to the pandemic and other causes. She also became a COVID-19 “long-hauler” after contracting the virus in December 2020, suffering from daily headaches, joint and muscle pain, and other ailments.

She wondered how her outer circle would react once they discovered she’d been keeping her health and losses a secret.

The good news? “None of them have made me feel awkward,” she reports.

Show up for the friendship

When trying to reconnect, the more concrete the invitation, the better, says Levine. For example, ask someone whether they’re available to catch up at a particular location at a particular time on a particular day. If your proposal doesn’t work out, don’t give up.

“Your friend’s time may have gotten usurped with other responsibilities or relationships, so if they aren't available on the spot, don't take it personally,” says Levine. “Try again at another time, or reach out to someone else.”

And, if plans are made, do your best not to cancel and ask for a rain check later, recommends Laura Whitney Sniderman, founder and CEO of Kinnd, a friendship app launching this summer.

“This is your opportunity to show up for the friendship,” she says, which starts with showing up for the agreed-upon rendezvous.

Embrace any discomfort, which may happen if one of you feels upset by a lack of communication from a friend during the pandemic.

“Allow space in the conversation for grievances to be aired,” Sniderman says. “Only once these feelings have been expressed can you move forward and rebuild.”

Gary Piccirillo has put new effort into reconnecting with friends he didn’t see during the height of the pandemic.

Provided by Gary Piccirillo

Be open and get creative

To protect his elderly mother from COVID-19, Gary Piccirillo, 65, of Auburn, New York, kept his inner circle small — limited to four friends — during the worst of the pandemic. Except for social media exchanges, he effectively lost all contact with his second layer of friendships.

Earlier this year, he decided that had to change.

“It sounds cold, but these friends are the people who fill in the gaps of my life,” says Piccirillo, who has a more flexible schedule than many of his closest friends who, unlike him, are married and raising children.

Even before mask mandates were lifted, he organized walks through the park, parking lot coffee chats in side-by-side cars, and phone conversations at convenient times so neither party felt rushed to get off the line.

He also found success by picking up the phone after reading something an old friend posted on social media. “I did that knowing that reaching out to them in that way might create or advance a dialogue that’s more personal, more intimate, than just another Facebook comment,” he says. “People appreciate that because they know you're reaching out to them and only them.”

According to Greif’s research, men, by and large, are far more adept at picking up friendships where they left off, whereas women need more time to process emotions.

That’s not to say that men don’t feel ambivalent about the pauses that have interrupted some friendships since March 2020.

Piccirillo says the biggest lesson he's learned through the pandemic is that “we're physically vulnerable, obviously, but emotionally needy.”

He explains: “Your core friends are like your family; they’re always going to be there. But there's a fear of losing these other people long term, maybe forever, so you do what you have to do to get back to where you were.”

When efforts don’t go as planned

What if your best efforts to rekindle a friendship are unsuccessful? Accept the loss.

“It really sucks to lose a friend, and you must take time to grieve the relationship,” says Sniderman.

Resist the urge to put pressure on your friend to revive the relationship. All you can do is express your sincere desire to reconnect and hope the gesture is reciprocated. If not, it may be time to move on.

“When you're ready,” Sniderman says, “put the energy you would've put toward them into making new friends.”