We Offered to Pay for Our Son’s Wedding But Forgot to Set a Budget. Help!

These parents learned how wedding expenses can spiral out of control

Lizzie Post,

AARP

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Published November 08, 2024

two people carrying a price tag with a wedding cake on it

Dan Page

Many parents foot the bill, or at least defray some of the costs, for their child’s wedding. But weddings are more expensive than ever. A wedding in 2023 cost on average $35,000, up from $30,000 in 2022, according to The Knot, a wedding planning and vendor resource.

Things can get complicated when parents offer to pay for their child’s big day but don’t set a budget, as these folks learned.

My husband and I offered to pay for our son's wedding, but we made the mistake of not giving him a budget. Now he's sending us a list of vendors he wants to hire, and they're all very expensive — a high-end caterer, a 12-person band, even a wedding cake that costs $1,500! How do we set a spending limit at this point?

Wedding cake prices aren’t what they used to be. Believe it or not, $1,500 is not uncommon — and neither is the pickle you find yourself in. Weddings do tend to up the price tag of whatever it is we’re purchasing, be it a service or goods. Sticker shock is not uncommon, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only option, and it sounds like this has the potential to be a great lesson in budgeting.

You are not alone in needing to rein in an eager couple. In the excitement and joy that comes with your child saying they’ve found “the one,” it can be easy to make offers without realizing how they might unfold later. Don’t worry — you aren’t committed to an unlimited budget. However, the budget expectations need to be set, and it’s best to address this issue as soon as possible. Delaying will only allow more time for your son and his partner to fall in love with things that are outside the budget and, frankly, for less expensive options to be booked up.

Asking permission to have a conversation is a great way to begin, as it sets a tone of respect and ensures you can speak with the person when they can be attentive and focused. Be clear about the topic you want to discuss. “Seth, I’d like to have a conversation with you about the wedding expenses.” Once you’re together (or on a call), be both candid and kind. Because he and his fiancee are already down the beginnings of the wedding planning rabbit hole, it’s best to be gentle and to think about the mental space your son is in, in his role as a fiancee, to avoid setting off an argument.

Be clear and honest, while taking some confidence in the fact that you are in control of your own finances. “Thanks for coming over to talk about the wedding budget. I want to apologize. I’m sorry that, in the excitement of your engagement, we didn’t set a budget for your wedding and what your father and I are willing to contribute. I realize that can make wedding planning more difficult. We are going to give you a lump sum of what we’re willing to contribute to the wedding, and you and your fiancee can spend it how you wish.” (Whether you're comfortable with a lump sum or paying for specific expenses, being clear is key.)

Why apologize? Because you have caused, albeit unintentionally, a misconception, and your kid might feel blindsided. Even if their expectations were totally unrealistic — like eye-popping unrealistic — he and his fiancee have spent time in this dreamland, and receiving this information could feel like you’re pulling a 180 on them. The apology also sets an example of acknowledgment that, hopefully, your kid will be able to emulate and recognize that your offer, no matter the amount, is generous and that it is perfectly reasonable, even helpful, to set a budget for a wedding.

Enjoy this special day when the time comes. And treat yourself to a nice, big slice of that wedding cake.

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Lizzie Post is the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post. She’s the co-president of The Emily Post Institute, co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette: the Centennial Edition and co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast.