AARP Hearing Center
When 55-year-old Shannon first moved in with her Parkinson’s-stricken mother, Bridget, to help take care of her, she knew she was a guest in her mother’s house and needed to respect her right to make all decisions about it. But as time passed and Bridget had more trouble walking and thinking clearly, Shannon began to question her judgment and even right to choose.
Shouldn’t they put in stair glides and grab bars to help her mother safely manage stairs and get in and out of the shower? Shannon asked. Bridget refused, saying she didn’t want to change the look of her lovely home. Couldn’t Shannon hire a contractor to put in a ramp up to the front door? Bridget again said no because the neighbors would then gossip about her increasing difficulty climbing the front steps. It was as if her mother, losing control over the movements of her body, insisted on complete control of her house. Shannon could understand this as an attempt at face-saving but also wondered how long they would live together before it would be considered their house, not only Bridget’s, and she had the go-ahead to make changes necessary for dealing prudently with Parkinson’s.
Adult children who uproot their own lives to move into ailing parents’ homes and become caregivers often help prevent those parents from having to go into long-term care facilities. But some parents may view their children’s moves as “takeover” attempts and experience their help as a loss of independence. They may crave solitude and feel intruded upon by the children’s constant presence on their living room couches and at their kitchen tables. They may feel annoyed by the everyday debates with their kids about what food they should eat or whether they do their physical therapy exercises. Those children may rightly believe they deserve their parents’ gratitude for their sacrifices but instead are unfairly resented. That makes caregiving much more difficult, even embittering, for them.
How can family caregivers who move into parents’ homes maintain respect for parents’ choices but also gain respect for the essential care they provide? Here are some ideas:
Have a before-the-move talk
Prior to making the move, the adult child and parent should have a frank talk about the why, what and how. The “why” is about establishing they are joined in common purpose to help the parent live as well as possible with declining physical and perhaps cognitive skills in the comfort of their own home, not an assisted living or skilled nursing facility. The child should point out she or he isn’t seeking power and glory through caregiving but, rather, practicality and love. The “what” is contending with the challenging situation at hand; in Bridget’s case, a progressive neurological disease which will make it harder for her to walk. The “how” are the ways they’ll collaborate as a team — talking together and respecting each other’s viewpoints — to achieve the goal of living at home as long as possible.
